Christmas, birthdays, and loss

Hi folks, I know it's been a while, but I was "busy" (for me) during the run up to Christmas: St Barnabas' managed to raise over £450 at the Christmas Fayre, half of which went to Beeston Shopmobility, and the other half to the Women's Shelter. We were also able to take toys, clothes, toiletries and equipment left over from the Fayre to the Shelter all in time for Christmas which will hopefully have made some very unsettled people a little happier, even if for a short time. Beeston Shopmobility runs entirely on donations, and is run by volunteers, so I imagine the funds we were able to provide were also well received.

Christmas arrived, although with a lot of planning, it still turned out to arrive earlier than expected! What's with that?! lol I was coming down with a heavy cold, but did manage to fight of the sickness bug that was looming. I managed to do the whole of Christmas and New Year WITHOUT eating! Yay! Quite an achievement I can tell you, especially around my birthday. I was able to celebrate Christmas this year with Mum and Jill, a good friend. That meant they could eat together and not be put off by my paltry soup and bar, and we had a really gentle, lovely day. Strangely, we didn't open our presents until Boxing Day afternoon, but that was fine. I didn't get a single chocolate present, for which I'm most thankful :)

Mum's best present was that Ste answered the phone when she rang him to wish him happy Christmas, and they did talk for a little while. I hope it helped make Ste's Christmas too, as he spent it alone in Sheffield. Mum was also able to chat to Chris and Donna and PJ in Oz over the holiday period, and the boys came over Christmas Eve which was lovely. They even bought Cole, Wyatt and Megan's "little" boy (he's a bruiser, but not fat, just big - and very beautiful!). Isn't it lovely when babies are at the cooing stage and "chat" with you, and grin, which he did in abundance. Conor bought his girlfriend, Danielle, although Con was a bit out of sorts to begin with, but he's such a lovely boy, and it's always a joy to see him. Jake is as gorgeous as ever and sat between the two girlfriends, which I'm sure will be a pattern for life! He's such a charmer, but so genuine too. Sophie came with her b/f too, and it was a good afternoon/evening.

I was in the choir this year, for the first time in I don't know how long. It was fun, and most of the carols were new to me, so it was interesting too. John B works hard to make the music at every Christmas reflective and entertaining too.

I had a few friends over at Mum's for my birthday. I was beginning to feel quite unwell and didn't think I'd have coped with the clearing up process at mine (so, yes, I left it to Mum - what a rotter I am!). She wasn't up to snuff either though, so in the end we gave most of the food left over (and boy, did it look tasty! I know my crowd and bought with them in mind, but it's also food I'd have loved to have too), used paper plates, and napkins and there wasn't much to clear away ;)

Sadly, Monday arrived and after starting off feeling rough, but OK ish, I had a tragic and traumatic accident involving Dum-Dum, my beloved old hamster. I trod on him in the kitchen and killed him. I held him as the blood pumped out of him, just willing God to take him quickly. I hope he did. The grief and guilt has been overwhelming. We'd bonded more than I had with any of the others. He'd just spent 3 hours asleep on my chest under my cardigan, when he decided he was hungry and wanted a run around. Both usual occurences, and normally I'm so careful where I put my feet, but I'd got my new Christmas slippers on and they had a solid sole, unlike all my others. I know most people have wished they could turn back time, just a few seconds, but it wouldn't happen. And he was dead. It still makes me weep. I miss him so much. We had a fairly regimented daily routine, and I loved it. He loved it best when he was sleeping in my hands or on my chest under my cardi, after a slap up hamster meal of blended chicken arrabiata, then porridge, then some finely diced apple, baby sweetcorn and tomatoes or grapes (he hadn't had top teeth for a while, so couldn't chew his hamster food). You're probably thinking I'm a silly woman for being so distraught, but I don't care. I'd raised him from birth, he was the last of my 16 originals, and he was old, but still on fine form. And I killed him. Hurts so much.

To be honest, I hadn't felt like I was coping with life before this happened, so this has made things much worse. The heavy cold hit hard, and I haven't felt up to much since then. Last week I was able to join with Mum at church one morning for the coffee morning she set up at the end of last year. I'd suggested we take our knitting, or perhaps crafting materials, or jigsaws (if anyone has a jigsaw mat that you can roll up we'd appreciate it :) ) for folks to do while they chatted and drank. We've all had a surfeit of mince pies this year, so out they came again. I've still got over a dozen. I usually have my neighbours over before Christmas for sherry and mince pies, but only one was able to make it this year. I had a lovely time with Rita, but with all the will in the world, she couldn't have got through that many mince pies!

On that fateful Monday, I also discovered that I'd lost 8lbs over Christmas! And as of last week I've lost 9 stones in just over 6 months, so that's pretty good going. I have had to buy some new trousers, but as they were in the sale that's OK. I'm now in a size 22! In June I was in a size 32! Not bad, eh? Now the clothes that I was given are beginning to fit too, so I'm preparing to sell my fat clothes on eBay if there are any takers. Some of the items for sale are only a couple of months old! If they don't sell, I'll offer them on freecycle and hopefully that'll be an incentive to someone to lose weight too.

I've been really surprised by how much of a mental battle this has all been. Not just the abstaining from food, but coping with the weight loss. Still feeling fat, even after all that loss of weight (which I suppose I still am). My god-daughter said I nearly looked normal now, but bless her she's only four! Still a bit "ouch" though. I have had an extra food pack some days, just to stave off that "cheated" feeling when you're deprived of real food. I feel like I've forgotten all my lessons in how to deal with psychological cravings and hunger, although I have also been having the savoury drink that LL make. I don't think I'm drinking enough, but I'm so cold and all my drinks need to be hot. I can't stand too much of the orange drink flavouring (I do worry about all the aspartame), and I can't take my earl grey without milk, but that's a big no-no. I can drink black coffee, but if I have too many in a week (and that's about 2 or 3!) I'm all of a hoo-haa! It's not possible to put lemon slices in hot water, and I'm not too keen on peppermint tea or rooiboos. I've not tried green tea, the idea puts me off. I'm just having a big mardy, feeling very sorry for myself, and I'm exhausted and find every little thing hard to do.

Having said that, we had quite a crowd at the coffee morning and that was great. It felt good to have things to do as well. I've spent some lovely time with my best friend and her family, and Mum, as usual has been a real rock. She's worried though too about her sister and brother-in-law: Aunty Pauline has to keep going to London for visits to a specialist and will have to have surgery soon; and her husband, Tony, has been diagnosed with blue asbestosis. He's had one lot of surgery and has been having radiotherapy (I think) this week. Please keep them in your prayers.

Ooh, and I've had a new toilet fitted! This one is to help me especially when I'm unwell, like I am now. It washes, dries and flushes at the touch of a button. An...interesting experience, certainly the first time! I'm also hoping this year to get a dog, preferably a rescue one, but my garden security is sadly lacking. I need to find a way to ask for BIG help in that respect, but I also need to find a dog to which Mum's not allergic. Any help out there please? Just a little dog.

May you allow God to share your burdens. Be blessed. Alli x