It's been a while and I'm sorry about that, but I've been a bit under the weather again (and what appalling weather it's been!). I've got labrynthitis, which is nothing to do with the David Bowie movie, but the smallest ear bone. It's like having vertigo, and being quite tall it is rather unpleasant (actually, not sure if it's anything to do with being tall or not!). I'm really exhausted too, so I guess I've been doing too much. It is soooo frustrating when you try to have a relatively normal life and any extra thing you do usually back-fires or certainly creates more problems physically. But I need to pace myself better (still!) and rest more when I have exerted myself. In my head you see I'm much better than I am in my body. In my head, whilst I don't quite feel ready to work, I certainly feel more able to visit friends and go out a bit more. Sadly in reality this is far from true.
However, I've been on a weekend retreat, visited friends and god-children, gone to the cinema, and of course been to LL for my wi and group counselling session. I'll discuss the retreat in a while. Loved catching up with friends last week, and seeing some of my god-children before they started back at school this week. Heard some great news about my god-daughter in Manchester who has finally managed to change schools because she was bullied at her last one - although they only heard this week that they'd been accepted, talk about the 11th hour! She's only 7 bless her, and school is hard enough for us all isn't it. Please pray that Jess will settle quickly into her new school and find friends aplenty, also that she'll discover enough self-confidence to stand up to children who like to bully. Amen. And "they" say the innocence of childhood!
Jamie, my best friend's son, is going up to "big" school, so please pray for him too. Secondary school is such a shock after primary isn't it. Please pray for him that he has teachers who are able to keep his interest and stimulate his natural curiosity so that he doesn't become bored too quickly and is less likely to go off into his own little world. It would be really good if he could find some like-minded children to befriend and who will keep him motivated to stretch himself. Amen.
Daniel will be 6 at Christmas and is now in Year 1. He's really settled down and has calmed down quite a bit, certainly during my visits. It's been such a pleasure to be with him, to joke with him and discover what a lovely little man he's becoming. Ammi is 4 now and at nursery/playgroup (I never get it right, but fortunately I'm rapidly corrected by her ;) ) and will start school at Christmas which she's already excited about, although her Mum, Clare, is marginally more excited! lol Please pray for this lovely family as Rob's father died a few weeks ago after a lengthy illness, and as those of us know who have lost someone dear to us, the weeks following the funeral and scattering of the ashes are often the hardest. May Rob find the comfort and strength that he needs. Amen.
Now to tonight's w.i. ... 7 lbs!! It's cos I went to the toilet last week and this week! lol That takes me to nearly 5 stones, can you believe it?! Now I'm nearly at the weight I thought I was when I started. I'm going into week 12 now, so potentially I could lose over another half a stone before the end of the 14 weeks foundation course! Pat the LL counsellor we normally have wasn't there tonight, but Tina led the group this time. She's different to Pat, but they're both lovely, and we ended up doing what we normally do which is more chatting (linked to weight loss, struggles and support though - there really are a lovely bunch of women in my group!) than directed discussion. Tina's was very good in linking our thoughts and problems to the programme, and funnily enough, the DVD and LL foundation discussions were very on trend with how our week had gone as a group. Some of us had already been thinking about how we'll cope when we start eating again, and for three of the group, this will be much sooner than the rest as they move straight into management/maintenance (never remember what the programmes are called!). The rest of us (after 14 weeks) move to the middle group where we'll still be food abstinent, taking just the sachets and bars until we reach our target weight. Apparently I've got to get down to less than I realised which is great, but still a looooong way off! lol I'm hoping by the middle of next summer I'll be able to begin eating again. I've already planned with my friend Ellen to go to the Bottle Kiln, West Hallam, Derbyshire http://www.bottlekiln.co.uk/index2.html next July :)
I have found that the times when I've felt kind of hungry or peckish, it's often around the times I would perhaps have had a snack or it's a sign of my being thirsty. So I try to drink more water, which will usually fill the "ache", think about what I would have done in the past, and be glad that I've got such a good mindset to continue with the LL programme rather than indulge myself in a good noshing session. The pay-off is that I know I will be able to eat again next year, and that by staying singled-minded now will mean that i continue to lose the excess weight, stay in control and learn to manage my food addiction (that is what it is after all). Today I raised the question why, from childhood onwards, food is a reward or treat. It raises such expectations within us that food will satisfy our needs, and we equate value, pleasure and just desserts (pardon the pun) with food. Other diet groups may tell you that you can eat what you like of this food group or that, and that some food is "sin"... This may work for a while for most of us, but it's simply changing the dynamics that we have with food. Food is fuel. Sometimes it's delicious, makes your mouth water, leaves you with satisfaction and a sense of well-being, but we only need so much per day. I'm not someone who will ever be able to count calories, so I need to find another way to deal with food properly when I'm eating again. For me, I think it's about portion size, so perhaps I need to do something as simple as getting smaller plates! I've already planned to take Lock & Lock containers with me when I go out for a meal! Then I can take half home and have it the next day! Cost-saving to boot! lol
This LL programme has obviously not been without it's problems, but I am so impressed with how it's enabled me to remain so determined to beat the battle of the bulge(s). I still find myself wanting to say to seriously overweight people "Hey, have you heard about LL? It really works!" Not to make them feel fat and in need of help, but to support and motivate them if they want to lose the weight. With my track record, you'll be delighted to hear that I haven't done that yet, although I did talk about it quite loudly when I was on retreat in case the larger ladies felt they needed some help with that.
I saw Philip today, my CBT consultant, and we discussed my weight loss, and various issues connected to that. He could tell straight away that I'd lost quite a bit, which was a real encouragement. I'm seeing him every three weeks at the moment, and I'm seeing Neil (my psychiatrist) once every eight weeks now, which is good progress. Admitting that I'm headed for Psychiatric Outpatients to the porters who take me in my wheelchair -when there's no-one available in the department - still makes me a little uncomfortable with the state of my mental health, and a little embarrassed that I still need help. I always sound a little "out there" when people over-hear and take a step back from this unbalanced woman... sigh... Having said that, it's really good that I recognise I still need to use this service, and that I have good practitioners working with me towards a healthier state of mind.
Now that I'm dealing with my "fat" issues at LL, I've begun talking to Philip about why I seem to sabotage my relationships with others. In particular with men. It's hard accepting that I'm the main reason behind unsuccessful past relationships, and why I'm not with someone now. Today was the start of a reflection on what past "rules" I've been using to remain aloof (lerts are common! boom, boom), or detached from others. Naturally a lot of it is about past hurts, let-downs, or unpleasant experiences. There's stuff in my childhood that affects how I deal with others, and it's about time I dealt with them as an adult rather than a child. So I need to challenge my behaviour and decide how I'm going to change and build better relationships, involving myself more with others, and holding back less. This protecting onesself malarky, which whilst natural, leaves me "feeling" less: less love, less depth of friendship, less human in a sense. It also leaves me feeling more: more frustrated with relationships, more out of touch with my feelings, more isolated and more alone or lonely. I'm tired of that old script and what to adventure back into life with a full heart, ready to give more of myself and receive what others have to give, and yes that will obviously include more hurt I guess, because we're all fallible and people are going to fail us in some way, as we fail ourselves and others too.
Trust God, stay strong and be blessed. xxx
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