Dum-Dum remains and looks like he's doing well for a hamster of his age. He keeps looking for Bibs and can't understand why he can't even smell her any more. He's older than Bibby, being from Poppy's first litter, which puts him at about 2 years 4 months, which for Dwarf Russian Winter Whites is very old. At the moment he's eating Asda's mexican bean sandwich filler, and baby sweetcorn. He also loves the fact that he has three cages all to himself. I've left the door of his main cage open and he has a way into Rocco's old cage across the table. He's enjoying the wheels in Roc's cages, and the fact that he doesn't have to keep going up and down the tubes to get to his food (Rocco's are all on one level). I think the other reason for the move is that he's unimpressed with the wood shavings I had to put in his old cage, rather than the Aspen bedding which he clearly much prefers. Sadly I've been unable to obtain any since PetMart in Beeston, Nottingham had to close (thanks Tescos!).
Thursday was a peculiar day: there were many tears when I found Bibs, naturally; but at LL I found I'd lost another 6 lbs, which was marvellous. That puts the overall weight loss at 3 st 11 lbs! In just eight weeks! I am feeling much better than I was (you know, the old bowel problems, and stomach pain), which is about time and a great relief, in more ways than one! My energy levels this week have been very low, and my heads been very fuzzy again, but I'm so relieved that I've lost nearly four stones (53 lbs in total)! I did try on a pair of trousers I used to wear a lot before I put on a lot of weight, and they're now really baggy (and not so attractive). How good it feels to get back into clothes - how much better it's going to be when they don't fit properly either :) I've lost 14 1/2 inches since starting the diet too which is fab; measurements are taken from chest, waist and hips.
When I showed my LL counsellor, Pat, my "wee stick" (this is an indicator of ketosis), she looked a little suspiciously at me. I've worked out why now; I think she's wondering if I've cheated (but I haven't) because the colour was very pale. In the past few weeks I thought that was what I was aiming for, but I guess I was using the colour as a sign to show whether I was drinking enough water or not. Hmmm, I'm wondering what can cause it, and if that's why I've been feeling hungry lately. We did talk about hunger on Thursday, and listed why it might by psychological rather than physical...
- If you have a drink, it goes away
- You have cravings for particular things rather than anything
- You're under particular emotional or psychological stress
- You've been watching those delicious TV adverts (curses, M&S!)
- You're not dealing with other issues, and you're using food as an escape
I've checked all of that tick list times over, but the hunger seems to still be there so I need to find out what might be causing it. I'm so pleased that I've not given in yet, and I hope and pray that I don't. Mentally it's difficult to recover from giving yourself permission to eat once, and it's possibly tantamount to giving yourself free reign to cave in the future. So what issues am I avoiding? There are so many! I find it so difficult to concentrate on something for any length of time because of the ME/CFS, and I find it draining. I have noticed that in the past I would have eaten when I was tired, in an effort to give myself an energy boost, and so I suspect that I'd be troughing right now if I gave myself permission to eat. As I haven't, I'm going to have to deal with things. Bibby's failing health and subsequent death are clearly big issues this week; I have always blamed myself for my hamsters' deaths whether it was old age, health issues or accident. I did so for Bibby, but was able to talk to myself and although I feel myself fighting the attempt to lift guilt and blame from my shoulders, I recognise it as the critical parent (CP, a feature of transactional analysis) - that little (or very loud!) voice in your head that tells you your useless, crap, dangerous, foolish etc.
Ideally we should be able to listen and talk with our adult head, our mature, reasoned and realistic part of ourselves, but we're often over-whelmed by the other voices, for want of a better word: the rebellious child that will revolt at any other suggestions; the adapting child that gives in regardless of what you'd really like to do; and the critical parent, as described above. I'm sure there are others, and none of them mean that you necessarily have schizophrenia, they're just the way that your head sorts through life's dilemmas and choices from past learned patterns of behaviour and mature, rational understanding. I hear the critical parent a lot, and have found that creating a folder of things that God and other people have said, written or created for me that is the opposite to the CP really helps. For instance, when I scored highly at college I kept the assignment in my folder to prove to myself that I'm not stupid and thick; I have cards sent by family and dear friends which show me that I'm not unlovable and actually do have gifts that I use; I made a list of comments others have made about me that show that I'm intelligent, attractive and fun. And sometimes it works to have hard "evidence" to battle the arguments in your head. It makes them quiet for a while, they retreat backwards into your subconscious, which is wonderful. Sometimes I feel a little lonely without all the jabbering, but then I feel stronger inside, better about myself, more in control. It's a good feeling.
This kind of behaviour is really useful for losing weight too; to be able to silence the inner voice that tells you you'll always be fat and ugly is marvellous. As you answer those accusations with "Well look in my weight loss book :P", "See how loose these jeans are now?" and "I can do this", you feel the battle ground changing. The mental challenge is probably the biggest one you face as you change your lifestyle for whatever reason. For me it's losing weight, and as we've discovered at LL, if you tell yourself you are strong, you can be. But if you tell yourself you can't, you'll be unsurprised that ... you can't. Tell yourself you're attractive, you can lose weight, you can stop smoking, whatever it is. Then get yourself into a programme that will help you achieve your goals. For me as a very extrovert person, I need group programmes. I function much better if I can verbally bounce off others. However this week we got our exercise balls (no, not titanium ;) ), so I might be literally bouncing off others if only I can get the wretched thing inflated (you need a foot pump apparently).
I went to Vitality Referral again this week. It costs £1.50 per session which is really helpful in getting me there as money is very tight for me. Chris was able to leave me on some of the activities as I felt more confident on them, and knew what to do (it's only taken seven weeks!). I'd talked to Philip, my Cognitive Behaviour Therapist (CBT), about pacing again. Boy, can I not get it right! So I took that into consideration as I exercised on the treadmill, arm bikey thing (anyone know what it's called??) and the rowing machine. I do struggle with the rowing one most of all. Perhaps because it's the last one I do, or that it uses all my body, I don't know what it is exactly, but it is the hardest for me. It's great that I can sit in my chair for the last two, and that when I'm on the treadmill I can get off and rest in my chair when I need to do so. I did drive to the gym this week, but driving home afterwards was exhausting, and the stairs even more so. Very slow going. But it's better to be having a go and making an effort to improve my health and conditions than to keep sitting and lying down at home.
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