Gosh it's been a loooong time hasn't it?! Sorry, I did mean to keep you posted more regularly than this. OK, so what's happened in the mean time...
Holiday, healing, hamsters, new friends, Christmas Fayre, coffee and life...
After going to a service of prayer for healing in October, I have felt considerably better than before, praise God! Still a very long way to go, and as I'm writing, I've been quite ill again after I had a relapse a few weeks ago. Several steps forward, big leap back. This time, however, I'm still encouraged by the fact that I was feeling brighter in myself :) It helps to remember to continue to claim that healing and expect God to carry on working His purposes out in my life. M.E./C.F.S. is debilitating and life-robbing, but those of us with this condition (and fibromyalgia) still have a life worth while. It's key to hold on to that. I heard a chap on tele a couple of days ago say "We're human beings, not human doings". Interesting...
Thanks to the Mother's Union at Kimberley/Nuthall in Nottingham, I was able to go to Mablethorpe for a whole week with some friends and their children (two of my godchildren). We were in a caravan and it was perishing at night, but we had such a good time that it was worth it. Time on the beach, staring at the sea and sky always make me feel at peace and rested.
I can't remember if I updated you on my new additions. In addition to Dum-Dum - who's still around can you believe it! he's now 2 and 3/4s which is old for a Russian Winter White and I put this down to his diet of chicken arrabiata, porridge, chopped fruit and baby sweetcorn, and occasional crumb of flapjack! - I now have Emily and Georgie, brother and sister Roborowskis, and Harry, who's a Syrian and quite a lot larger than the other three. The new ones don't like me much though, and are still scared of their own shadows. They don't come to me, they run from me, so I know I'm going to feel Dum-Dum's loss keenly when it's finally his time to go. At the moment, we've gotten into the habit of him running about for a bit on the floor, then going into the kitchen for food prep, back on the floor for another quick run, ending with a kip in my hands as I watch TV. I feel really loved by Dums, whether or not this is true, it makes me feel close to him. He looks like the mouse at the end of the Green Mile, so if you've seen it, you'll know how raggedy he's looking now. Still got energy for the running though, which is marvellous, it really is.
I forgot to say! I've lost 7 stones 10 lbs! Incredible isn't it?! All in about 23/24 weeks. I'm chuffed to bits, but as I'm not quite half way, I'm a little anxious about remaining so positive as I have to go through this again. However, I saw one of my psychiatrists today (not often you get to say that!) and he helped me view the next phase more positively: I won't have all that weight to carry around with me that I did for the first half of this diet; and in three months time, I'll have half of this amount of weight to lose, and so on. As I go through a dip in health and a complete loss of energy again, my mood is depressed too. Now normally, my pattern of behaviour is to hit the pantry or fridge when I'm like this. To be fair, I did consider it. Pat, the counsellor at LL, suggested I make a note of why I didn't resort to the old ways. Part of it, I suppose, is that I've done so well to reach this weight. The weight loss is incredible and something I'm trying very hard to be positively proud about, not listening to the voices in my head that tell me it's wrong to be boastful of my achievements. So I'm not listening. Instead, I'm recalling my list of actual achievements, the factual accounts and concrete records of what I have accomplished so far in life. These are the things that no-one, not even the voices in my head, can take away from me. For instance, I have lost 7st 10lbs!! Woooo hooo! I have certificates of my exam passes, and degree in a lever arch box which I've wrapped in pretty paper. Alongside which are letters and cards from friends and acquaintances who show that they love me and care for me; notes of thanks for things I've done for others; words of God that have been given to me through others or prayer; records of events that I've created or helped run; and words that have been used to describe me. It may sound like I'm really "up myself", but the reverse is actually true, and as years of counselling, psychotherapy and experience have taught me, a great deal of our battles are within our own heads. Those "tapes" or "voices" which tell us how bad we are, or how fat and ugly we are, or how useless we are to the world are powerful and insistent. To combat these, to silence these is to make the reasoned tape or voice clearer and more accurate. Fight fears and feelings of inadequacy with facts and evidence. There's no way that the old ways of thinking and talking can challenge these, and eventually, it's possible to reprogramme your own mind and even feelings so that your head gives you peace rather than war. Dealing with that constant battle day in, day out, is exhausting and demanding. To be able to take the sting out of the dialogue going on inside is huge. Our minds are powerful and loud, use it. Turn your negative thoughts into positive ones. Sure, it takes time and practise, but better to start it now than to have just another day with the old battles. Make sure that the people around you are on your side. Pray in good friends, enable those close to you to see how much you need their good will and love. You don't always have to battle alone. There are experts out there too. Mental health issues are very real, and very frightening if you don't have the tools or energy to deal with them. This applies to M.E./C.F.S. as much as weight loss. Give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. That doesn't mean accepting and excusing poor behaviour or attitudes. We have a responsibility to be true to ourselves, and to be loving towards ourselves and others: These are the greatest commandments, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and body and soul; and love your neighbour as you love yourself. Another really helpful phrase I heard somewhere (can't remember if it was the TV, or a film or a book!) but it was that you are the leading lady of your own life, stop acting like the best friend to the leading lady! Eye opening, huh?
Moving on to new friends... I've met some lovely people through freecycle and have begun friendships with several of them. As you know, I love meeting new people and enjoy getting to know them. I initially went onto freecycle (fabulous site! great premise and well executed) to find things for St Barnabas' Christmas Fayre. I went on to answer ads for various items of knitting, and other house-hold stuff. In the end, many people offered a wide variety of items for the Fayre and we had a fantastic day last Saturday as we tried to sell it all! We managed to raise over £400 (it's still increasing): half of which will go to Beeston's Shopmobility and the other half to the women's refuge. We're delighted to be able to support agencies which help those in need in our community :) Apart from all the selling, it was marvellous to see so many new faces at the event, and because there was so much for people to browse through, they all seemed to really enjoy it too :D
These days I try to meet up with old friends as much as I can, which often takes place at Starbucks or in my home. Starbucks at the Tesco's at Toton is a lovely place, and two of the waiters in particular are great to know: Zi and Chris. Young fellas with interesting life stories and friendly dispositions. It's like it says in the song at the beginning of "Cheers!" - we like to go "where everybody knows your name". It's true! It makes such a difference to be greeted by name, and catch up on the latest news, smell a new cake, try a new coffee...
So here's to old friends, and new ones, coffee and cake (only to smell), love and laughter, life and P.M.A. (positive mental attitude). Cheers!
Monday, 1 December 2008
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Catch up on latest news
I hadn't realised how long I'd left it to update my blog. Only just felt like going online again. Wished I hadn't logged onto Facebook that's for sure! I just took a Dr Phil personality test and I came out as two extremes: one who takes so long to decide anything that I eventually decide against it anyway, and the other that made me sound like Hitler! Can these be right? Am I that disturbed?! Makes one think... Need to do something now that reaffirms that I am relatively normal, likeable and loved. Any suggestions? I'm all out!
Sigh...
One of the reasons I stopped writing in my blog I think was because of "milk week". Part of the newer LL initiative is to introduce at the 13th week a time to put milk into all shakes and soups. I tried to pretend it made the soups into "cream of..." but it was all yack! Even with skimmed milk - tasted far too sweet and creamy. And when I didn't lose ANY weight that week, I had a big mardy at the LL meeting, and swore my head off. I threatened to sue the government for making me do this and wasting my money for the week. Then I cried. As usually happens when I get madder than a mad thing. Annoying, but that's the way I evidently work things out. Anyroadup, the following week I lost 8 lbs and the week after that, 7lbs. Last week I lost 4lbs as well, so I guess milk week reboosts your system again. How does one make ones words appetising enough to eat?! So now I've lost 6st 2lbs!! And finally I feel like I've lost some weight :) I had to get a new belt for my trousers which until this point have been causing me to trip up. My biggest worry last week was the fact that I was struggling up the stairs with the ambulance driver behind me making sure I didn't fall, and a workman at the top of the stairs fixing the outside light - all while my trousers were slipping down and taking my knickers with them! I managed to hold onto them, along with my two sticks and bag! Not easy I can tell you, but infinitely preferable (for all!) to mooning at the men around me! lol
Still smarting over the Dr Phil test! Get over it, I keep telling myself, it's just a silly quiz on an odd site (still not worked out the point of Facebook). You see? I keep trying to CBT myself, but I'm still dealing with the old programming that tells me "there must be something in this" malarky. If it had said something positive, I doubt it would cross my mind however. I'd probably think, "yep, that's what everyone's will say". I did the test several times too! Still not sure how the questions deliver the answers...
MOVING ON... I now have four hamsters! :D Emily and George, mentioned in previous dispatches, are still not comfortable with me, sigh, and Harry, the new one, will take a long while I think before he becomes comfortable with me too. It doesn't help that Dum-Dum tries to get his whole head into Harry's cage through the bars (and he nearly can you know!). Harry's a Syrian hamster, so he's massive compared to Dums, and a veritable gargantuan compared to Emily and Georgie. But he's still scared of everything else around him, especially nosy little Dums. D-D still has the run of the table although there is far less space for him to do so what with Emily's cage and the new giant cage for Harry. Harry was brought round for me to look after as the children he was bought for don't really bother with him any more. I've yet to get him out in the big ball, but there's plenty of time (I hope!) to do that later on when he's a little more settled. I told my neighbours 9 year old boy that they were rescue hamsters. He asked me quite innocently what they rescued. I have to rethink how I say that from now on!
Philip, my CBT chap, lent me his book on CBT for CFS sufferers, which I'm looking forward to delving into. I've not been reading much lately because my eyes are a bit painful lately, wondering if it's the light at this time of the year. Hasn't it been absolutely glorious though?! Today's a bit drab, but it's really lifted my spirits to see so much gorgeous weather over the past 8/9 days.
Oooh, I'm going on holiday! For the first time since 2001 :D Some friends were offered an opportunity to go to a caravan in Mablethorpe and have invited me to accompany them. Isn't that kind!?! Hoping we have the same kind of weather as the past week or so :) I've asked my uncle and his family if they'd like to stay at my place while I'm away, so they can visit with Mum for longer. Probably won't happen, but hey ho! My friend's son might welcome a change from living at home... Another friend has already said she'd be able to come over and look after the hammies while I'm gone :) I have good friends, praise God!
Next week i'm leading a Taize evening at St Barnabas'. Just an hour's service, but I'm really looking forward to it. Need to sit down with Rob and practise a bit though. He's unfortunately got Ofsted this week though, so it'll have to be the weekend if he's available.
LL has changed again for me, now that I'm in Developers (those that still need a ways to go before they reach target weights) our evening meeting has changed, and we've lost 3 of our group to the final group, Maintenance (the ones that are pretty much there and only need to reintroduce food back into their lives - actually that sounds far easier than it is! Apparently, we've done the only easy bit!). I'll miss them a great deal because they helped keep me going, and also we'd bonded very well. We move into a different group with different people, one of whom I know :), but it'll be a shock to the system I suppose. All grist to the mill of life.
Did anyone else have an influx of ladybirds on Sunday?! There were hundreds outside my living room window - no other window, just the living room! It was such a beautiful day, but I was most surprised to see them at this time of year. Anyone know why? I did hear that they were the immigrant ladybirds that are killing our own. Is that true?!
I've just started reading a new Stuart Pawson novel, he's very good. He writes about Charlie Priest, a DI in Yorkshire. It's about serious crime, but his own blend of humour sparkles in the doom and gloom. He's also very descriptive of the local area and the walks that the detective takes, almost to make you feel like it's there before you. There's also a touch of poetry in the writer's, and character's, soul, and paintings feature in every one of his books in this series. A believable and likeable bunch of characters, except for the criminals - who are nasty pieces of work, every single one of them - working out credible story lines, human, flawed, but inevitably solved, though rarely understood. Gripping stories that bring about the realisation that there is something different in people who perpetrate horrendous crimes, and those of us who would never have even considered such things were possible.
Sigh...
One of the reasons I stopped writing in my blog I think was because of "milk week". Part of the newer LL initiative is to introduce at the 13th week a time to put milk into all shakes and soups. I tried to pretend it made the soups into "cream of..." but it was all yack! Even with skimmed milk - tasted far too sweet and creamy. And when I didn't lose ANY weight that week, I had a big mardy at the LL meeting, and swore my head off. I threatened to sue the government for making me do this and wasting my money for the week. Then I cried. As usually happens when I get madder than a mad thing. Annoying, but that's the way I evidently work things out. Anyroadup, the following week I lost 8 lbs and the week after that, 7lbs. Last week I lost 4lbs as well, so I guess milk week reboosts your system again. How does one make ones words appetising enough to eat?! So now I've lost 6st 2lbs!! And finally I feel like I've lost some weight :) I had to get a new belt for my trousers which until this point have been causing me to trip up. My biggest worry last week was the fact that I was struggling up the stairs with the ambulance driver behind me making sure I didn't fall, and a workman at the top of the stairs fixing the outside light - all while my trousers were slipping down and taking my knickers with them! I managed to hold onto them, along with my two sticks and bag! Not easy I can tell you, but infinitely preferable (for all!) to mooning at the men around me! lol
Still smarting over the Dr Phil test! Get over it, I keep telling myself, it's just a silly quiz on an odd site (still not worked out the point of Facebook). You see? I keep trying to CBT myself, but I'm still dealing with the old programming that tells me "there must be something in this" malarky. If it had said something positive, I doubt it would cross my mind however. I'd probably think, "yep, that's what everyone's will say". I did the test several times too! Still not sure how the questions deliver the answers...
MOVING ON... I now have four hamsters! :D Emily and George, mentioned in previous dispatches, are still not comfortable with me, sigh, and Harry, the new one, will take a long while I think before he becomes comfortable with me too. It doesn't help that Dum-Dum tries to get his whole head into Harry's cage through the bars (and he nearly can you know!). Harry's a Syrian hamster, so he's massive compared to Dums, and a veritable gargantuan compared to Emily and Georgie. But he's still scared of everything else around him, especially nosy little Dums. D-D still has the run of the table although there is far less space for him to do so what with Emily's cage and the new giant cage for Harry. Harry was brought round for me to look after as the children he was bought for don't really bother with him any more. I've yet to get him out in the big ball, but there's plenty of time (I hope!) to do that later on when he's a little more settled. I told my neighbours 9 year old boy that they were rescue hamsters. He asked me quite innocently what they rescued. I have to rethink how I say that from now on!
Philip, my CBT chap, lent me his book on CBT for CFS sufferers, which I'm looking forward to delving into. I've not been reading much lately because my eyes are a bit painful lately, wondering if it's the light at this time of the year. Hasn't it been absolutely glorious though?! Today's a bit drab, but it's really lifted my spirits to see so much gorgeous weather over the past 8/9 days.
Oooh, I'm going on holiday! For the first time since 2001 :D Some friends were offered an opportunity to go to a caravan in Mablethorpe and have invited me to accompany them. Isn't that kind!?! Hoping we have the same kind of weather as the past week or so :) I've asked my uncle and his family if they'd like to stay at my place while I'm away, so they can visit with Mum for longer. Probably won't happen, but hey ho! My friend's son might welcome a change from living at home... Another friend has already said she'd be able to come over and look after the hammies while I'm gone :) I have good friends, praise God!
Next week i'm leading a Taize evening at St Barnabas'. Just an hour's service, but I'm really looking forward to it. Need to sit down with Rob and practise a bit though. He's unfortunately got Ofsted this week though, so it'll have to be the weekend if he's available.
LL has changed again for me, now that I'm in Developers (those that still need a ways to go before they reach target weights) our evening meeting has changed, and we've lost 3 of our group to the final group, Maintenance (the ones that are pretty much there and only need to reintroduce food back into their lives - actually that sounds far easier than it is! Apparently, we've done the only easy bit!). I'll miss them a great deal because they helped keep me going, and also we'd bonded very well. We move into a different group with different people, one of whom I know :), but it'll be a shock to the system I suppose. All grist to the mill of life.
Did anyone else have an influx of ladybirds on Sunday?! There were hundreds outside my living room window - no other window, just the living room! It was such a beautiful day, but I was most surprised to see them at this time of year. Anyone know why? I did hear that they were the immigrant ladybirds that are killing our own. Is that true?!
I've just started reading a new Stuart Pawson novel, he's very good. He writes about Charlie Priest, a DI in Yorkshire. It's about serious crime, but his own blend of humour sparkles in the doom and gloom. He's also very descriptive of the local area and the walks that the detective takes, almost to make you feel like it's there before you. There's also a touch of poetry in the writer's, and character's, soul, and paintings feature in every one of his books in this series. A believable and likeable bunch of characters, except for the criminals - who are nasty pieces of work, every single one of them - working out credible story lines, human, flawed, but inevitably solved, though rarely understood. Gripping stories that bring about the realisation that there is something different in people who perpetrate horrendous crimes, and those of us who would never have even considered such things were possible.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Martin's Money Saving Tips
Hi folks, well today I felt I needed to remind you all again about a great site I've been using over the past couple of months. Martin Lewis' show "It pays to watch" sprang from his GMTV and Tonight slot and the following website http://www.moneysavingexpert.com. Not only does he show you how to budget, manage any debt and/or savings, but there's also a list of freebies you can claim, shopping vouchers, etc. Included is a special attachment particularly useful for teenagers, which enables them to manage their money responsibly, but also recognising that they "need" to be able to spend their money too. It's a very sensible and practical document which trains them in money matters. For parents and teachers, aunts and uncles, and anyone else who has contact with impressionable teens, this is a remarkable source of wisdom aimed at young adults, and put together with the help of young adults. It's possible to download and print this off for free which is part of Martin's gift really. To find it go to http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/attachment/teen_cash_guide.pdf
I'm printing it off for my nephews, especially Wyatt and his girlfriend Megan, what with the safe arrival of Cole, and Wyatt's imminent departure into the army. I hope it will enable them to save wisely, and build a decent nest egg for themselves and the baby. I've yet to meet him, but hopefully that will be soon. I go to LL tonight for my weekly wi (but I've not been to the loo since last Tuesday, so I'm not expecting so much :( ), then tomorrow I have a three hour slot with my carer, followed by a trip to church to help set up (if I'm up to it by then - did waaaay too much yesterday) for the "New to You" event on Saturday, and of course Saturday itself - 10.00 - 12.00 noon. There is a likelihood that we will over-run because we have such a lot of good quality goods, thanks to many, many kind donations. It's a shock to be surprised and even overwhelmed by the generosity of people, when in actual fact we see it every day in small and sometimes big ways from ordinary people, even strangers :) GBU x
I'm printing it off for my nephews, especially Wyatt and his girlfriend Megan, what with the safe arrival of Cole, and Wyatt's imminent departure into the army. I hope it will enable them to save wisely, and build a decent nest egg for themselves and the baby. I've yet to meet him, but hopefully that will be soon. I go to LL tonight for my weekly wi (but I've not been to the loo since last Tuesday, so I'm not expecting so much :( ), then tomorrow I have a three hour slot with my carer, followed by a trip to church to help set up (if I'm up to it by then - did waaaay too much yesterday) for the "New to You" event on Saturday, and of course Saturday itself - 10.00 - 12.00 noon. There is a likelihood that we will over-run because we have such a lot of good quality goods, thanks to many, many kind donations. It's a shock to be surprised and even overwhelmed by the generosity of people, when in actual fact we see it every day in small and sometimes big ways from ordinary people, even strangers :) GBU x
"New to You": Babies and St Barnabas' event on Saturday morning
What a whirlwind today's been! After finding out that Clinton's cards had a massive sale on and that one of the items was something I'd previously spent £20.00 on was now only £5.00 (!!!), I went into Beeston with my friend Jill (who knows so much about what's going on - she's got her ear to the ground and her finger to the pulse). Having bought a few items I managed barter with the asst manager for an item I bought for half price which will be Mum's birthday present. That must sound cheap, but I can't afford much this year, and she knows, bless her. She asked me yesterday for a nice photo album (for all her lovely pictures of PJ and CJ and my brother Chris and his wife Donna, plus our new addition to the family whom we've yet to see: Chris' eldest son, Wyatt, had a baby boy called Cole yesterday - well his girlfriend Megan did. Please pray for her and a difficult situation. Megan's father's being an ass about Wy and his Mum going round to their house, plus Wy's hoping to enlist in the army as soon as he's passed all his tests.
In addition to the above, our church is holding a nearly new sale this Saturday from 10-12pm. If you can come along you would be most welcome :) It's at St Barnabas' Church, Barn Croft, Off Inham Road, Chilwell, Nottingham, NG9 4HQ. So far we've been given a lot of stuff which is just fabulous, some of which I went to collect tonight (along with some rescue hamsters!!). A lovely couple got in touch with me through Freecycle http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beeston_freecycle/messages?o=1 - a site that aims to keep house-hold items of a wide range out of the landfill sites and back into the community for others to use. They had seen my wanted ad on the freecycle Beeston site and kindly donated all they had "decluttered" from their children's rooms. It pretty much filled my car! It was funny driving home, because every time I turned left Noah kept shouting "Land Ahooooy!" Obviously touch sensitive!! Sometimes he's do a bit of a rap "La-la-land Ahoy-Ahooooy!" I think that was when he was well and truly rattled ;)
As I was out in the car, I contacted the girl who'd advertised her baby hamsters. The students had a new kitten and he was bothering the little hamsters in their cage and they feared they might well disappear inside the belly of the beast ... I think they're dwarf Roborovski hamsters, they're a pretty colour, different from all my past and present hamsters. They're sooo cute, like little fluff balls. They're in the same cage although I'm a little concerned that they're NOT the same sex after all. Anyways, I'll wait for confirmation from the young lady, and separate them if I have to once I've found out how old they are as well. I've named them Georgie and Bungle/Ellery/Emily ... still some decision to make there.
Right then, I'm off for a long sleep. Hope you're well and in fine fettle :)
In addition to the above, our church is holding a nearly new sale this Saturday from 10-12pm. If you can come along you would be most welcome :) It's at St Barnabas' Church, Barn Croft, Off Inham Road, Chilwell, Nottingham, NG9 4HQ. So far we've been given a lot of stuff which is just fabulous, some of which I went to collect tonight (along with some rescue hamsters!!). A lovely couple got in touch with me through Freecycle http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beeston_freecycle/messages?o=1 - a site that aims to keep house-hold items of a wide range out of the landfill sites and back into the community for others to use. They had seen my wanted ad on the freecycle Beeston site and kindly donated all they had "decluttered" from their children's rooms. It pretty much filled my car! It was funny driving home, because every time I turned left Noah kept shouting "Land Ahooooy!" Obviously touch sensitive!! Sometimes he's do a bit of a rap "La-la-land Ahoy-Ahooooy!" I think that was when he was well and truly rattled ;)
As I was out in the car, I contacted the girl who'd advertised her baby hamsters. The students had a new kitten and he was bothering the little hamsters in their cage and they feared they might well disappear inside the belly of the beast ... I think they're dwarf Roborovski hamsters, they're a pretty colour, different from all my past and present hamsters. They're sooo cute, like little fluff balls. They're in the same cage although I'm a little concerned that they're NOT the same sex after all. Anyways, I'll wait for confirmation from the young lady, and separate them if I have to once I've found out how old they are as well. I've named them Georgie and Bungle/Ellery/Emily ... still some decision to make there.
Right then, I'm off for a long sleep. Hope you're well and in fine fettle :)
Saturday, 6 September 2008
Choros Amici and Beeston Parish Church
Had a fabulous evening at the above venue, recently "re-ordered". Went with Jan to see a friend, Sandy, in her choral group - amazing! Not only was the choir's repertoire varied and wide-ranging, the church itself was looking great. I can't remember what it was like before - like when you drive past a new build and think what was there before? - but the oak rafters and beams looked almost as fresh as the day they were set, the walls and columns were radiant too. The only thing missing was a lot more heat, but who thinks they'll need the heating on at this time of year?!
Anyway, I loved the range of the choir's ability and talent; the deep voices of the men went right through me, and it speaks to my heart. The traditional choral songs were electric and sung in many parts - it's spell-binding to watch a well-honed choir in action and to be just a little curious about how those who arrange the music do so on many levels. There was a set of Finnish/Shakespeare numbers that were beautiful. There were a couple of numbers that were quite mad! Followed by some more modern songs re-arranged for choirs: George Harrison's "Because" being one of them.
It was a great show and we all felt thoroughly entertained. There are some amazingly talented vocalists in the choir and as an ensemble, they were pretty special - would knock Last Choir Standing into a cocked hat that's for sure! lol
In addition to the music and the setting, it was lovely to meet up with people unexpectedly; Philip my CBT therapist and his lovely daughter, who admitted to drifting off to sleep - until the loud songs! lol; some older members of the local church community that I hadn't seen for some time; and Craig and his partner, Robin, who has sometimes been one of my carers, notably domestic chores not personal care ;) It was especially good to see him looking so well. Earlier he'd had a brain aneurism and was very ill in hospital. Apparently he's one of only 4% who survive without repercussions, which is marvellous for him, but a telling reminder of how fragile life can be. They've just had their first anniversary having had their civil ceremony last August. Robin's quite cute too!
I was glad I'd gone in my wheelchair, and pleased that Sandy had managed to reserve us a chair for Janet and a space for me :) But it was chilly in there, and I feel done in now. So I'll end with an encouragement to see this choir if you can, and they do go all over, if you like that sort of thing.
GBU xx
Anyway, I loved the range of the choir's ability and talent; the deep voices of the men went right through me, and it speaks to my heart. The traditional choral songs were electric and sung in many parts - it's spell-binding to watch a well-honed choir in action and to be just a little curious about how those who arrange the music do so on many levels. There was a set of Finnish/Shakespeare numbers that were beautiful. There were a couple of numbers that were quite mad! Followed by some more modern songs re-arranged for choirs: George Harrison's "Because" being one of them.
It was a great show and we all felt thoroughly entertained. There are some amazingly talented vocalists in the choir and as an ensemble, they were pretty special - would knock Last Choir Standing into a cocked hat that's for sure! lol
In addition to the music and the setting, it was lovely to meet up with people unexpectedly; Philip my CBT therapist and his lovely daughter, who admitted to drifting off to sleep - until the loud songs! lol; some older members of the local church community that I hadn't seen for some time; and Craig and his partner, Robin, who has sometimes been one of my carers, notably domestic chores not personal care ;) It was especially good to see him looking so well. Earlier he'd had a brain aneurism and was very ill in hospital. Apparently he's one of only 4% who survive without repercussions, which is marvellous for him, but a telling reminder of how fragile life can be. They've just had their first anniversary having had their civil ceremony last August. Robin's quite cute too!
I was glad I'd gone in my wheelchair, and pleased that Sandy had managed to reserve us a chair for Janet and a space for me :) But it was chilly in there, and I feel done in now. So I'll end with an encouragement to see this choir if you can, and they do go all over, if you like that sort of thing.
GBU xx
What a week of awful weather
This is the first year I can remember having to put the heating on this early. It's frightening considering the fuel price hikes that we've already had and those that we can apparently expect by the end of the year.
Naturally my heart and prayers go out to those who are facing yet more floods, damage to their property and homes, and the major upheaval that all this causes. I wonder if those affected are offered counselling? Let's hope that the insurance companies honour their agreements this time too. I heard the story of an elderly lady whose home was flooded for something like the 14th time! She hadn't been able to sell her home earlier because of the property's past experience of flooding. Lord, break through that situation with your compassionate heart and redeem her life. Amen. There are so many prayers for people necessary when we're struck by such disasters as a nation, so please pray as and when you can. Even if you don't believe, I assure you God does :)
Also for your prayers would you please think of a man called Jamie. I met him outside the hospital yesterday when I went for an appointment. I used to see him and chat to him in the pub where he was very much a regular. I got to know him a bit better a couple of years ago, when we had quite a long chat and a drink together. However yesterday I realised that he'd had his right leg amputated below the knee (I'm clearly observant). He's still a fairly youngish man and to know that someone who is usually out and about and has his fingers in lots of different pies is now experiencing such a loss was a real shock. Coming to terms with this kind of event is very harrowing and hard work, and I hope and pray that he manages to get through without depression setting in. He deserves sympathy and compassion, but not pity, and I hope that those he used to know (including myself) will treat him with dignity as he learns to adapt to a markedly different life style.
Naturally my heart and prayers go out to those who are facing yet more floods, damage to their property and homes, and the major upheaval that all this causes. I wonder if those affected are offered counselling? Let's hope that the insurance companies honour their agreements this time too. I heard the story of an elderly lady whose home was flooded for something like the 14th time! She hadn't been able to sell her home earlier because of the property's past experience of flooding. Lord, break through that situation with your compassionate heart and redeem her life. Amen. There are so many prayers for people necessary when we're struck by such disasters as a nation, so please pray as and when you can. Even if you don't believe, I assure you God does :)
Also for your prayers would you please think of a man called Jamie. I met him outside the hospital yesterday when I went for an appointment. I used to see him and chat to him in the pub where he was very much a regular. I got to know him a bit better a couple of years ago, when we had quite a long chat and a drink together. However yesterday I realised that he'd had his right leg amputated below the knee (I'm clearly observant). He's still a fairly youngish man and to know that someone who is usually out and about and has his fingers in lots of different pies is now experiencing such a loss was a real shock. Coming to terms with this kind of event is very harrowing and hard work, and I hope and pray that he manages to get through without depression setting in. He deserves sympathy and compassion, but not pity, and I hope that those he used to know (including myself) will treat him with dignity as he learns to adapt to a markedly different life style.
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Labrynthitis, prayer requests and weight loss
It's been a while and I'm sorry about that, but I've been a bit under the weather again (and what appalling weather it's been!). I've got labrynthitis, which is nothing to do with the David Bowie movie, but the smallest ear bone. It's like having vertigo, and being quite tall it is rather unpleasant (actually, not sure if it's anything to do with being tall or not!). I'm really exhausted too, so I guess I've been doing too much. It is soooo frustrating when you try to have a relatively normal life and any extra thing you do usually back-fires or certainly creates more problems physically. But I need to pace myself better (still!) and rest more when I have exerted myself. In my head you see I'm much better than I am in my body. In my head, whilst I don't quite feel ready to work, I certainly feel more able to visit friends and go out a bit more. Sadly in reality this is far from true.
However, I've been on a weekend retreat, visited friends and god-children, gone to the cinema, and of course been to LL for my wi and group counselling session. I'll discuss the retreat in a while. Loved catching up with friends last week, and seeing some of my god-children before they started back at school this week. Heard some great news about my god-daughter in Manchester who has finally managed to change schools because she was bullied at her last one - although they only heard this week that they'd been accepted, talk about the 11th hour! She's only 7 bless her, and school is hard enough for us all isn't it. Please pray that Jess will settle quickly into her new school and find friends aplenty, also that she'll discover enough self-confidence to stand up to children who like to bully. Amen. And "they" say the innocence of childhood!
Jamie, my best friend's son, is going up to "big" school, so please pray for him too. Secondary school is such a shock after primary isn't it. Please pray for him that he has teachers who are able to keep his interest and stimulate his natural curiosity so that he doesn't become bored too quickly and is less likely to go off into his own little world. It would be really good if he could find some like-minded children to befriend and who will keep him motivated to stretch himself. Amen.
Daniel will be 6 at Christmas and is now in Year 1. He's really settled down and has calmed down quite a bit, certainly during my visits. It's been such a pleasure to be with him, to joke with him and discover what a lovely little man he's becoming. Ammi is 4 now and at nursery/playgroup (I never get it right, but fortunately I'm rapidly corrected by her ;) ) and will start school at Christmas which she's already excited about, although her Mum, Clare, is marginally more excited! lol Please pray for this lovely family as Rob's father died a few weeks ago after a lengthy illness, and as those of us know who have lost someone dear to us, the weeks following the funeral and scattering of the ashes are often the hardest. May Rob find the comfort and strength that he needs. Amen.
Now to tonight's w.i. ... 7 lbs!! It's cos I went to the toilet last week and this week! lol That takes me to nearly 5 stones, can you believe it?! Now I'm nearly at the weight I thought I was when I started. I'm going into week 12 now, so potentially I could lose over another half a stone before the end of the 14 weeks foundation course! Pat the LL counsellor we normally have wasn't there tonight, but Tina led the group this time. She's different to Pat, but they're both lovely, and we ended up doing what we normally do which is more chatting (linked to weight loss, struggles and support though - there really are a lovely bunch of women in my group!) than directed discussion. Tina's was very good in linking our thoughts and problems to the programme, and funnily enough, the DVD and LL foundation discussions were very on trend with how our week had gone as a group. Some of us had already been thinking about how we'll cope when we start eating again, and for three of the group, this will be much sooner than the rest as they move straight into management/maintenance (never remember what the programmes are called!). The rest of us (after 14 weeks) move to the middle group where we'll still be food abstinent, taking just the sachets and bars until we reach our target weight. Apparently I've got to get down to less than I realised which is great, but still a looooong way off! lol I'm hoping by the middle of next summer I'll be able to begin eating again. I've already planned with my friend Ellen to go to the Bottle Kiln, West Hallam, Derbyshire http://www.bottlekiln.co.uk/index2.html next July :)
I have found that the times when I've felt kind of hungry or peckish, it's often around the times I would perhaps have had a snack or it's a sign of my being thirsty. So I try to drink more water, which will usually fill the "ache", think about what I would have done in the past, and be glad that I've got such a good mindset to continue with the LL programme rather than indulge myself in a good noshing session. The pay-off is that I know I will be able to eat again next year, and that by staying singled-minded now will mean that i continue to lose the excess weight, stay in control and learn to manage my food addiction (that is what it is after all). Today I raised the question why, from childhood onwards, food is a reward or treat. It raises such expectations within us that food will satisfy our needs, and we equate value, pleasure and just desserts (pardon the pun) with food. Other diet groups may tell you that you can eat what you like of this food group or that, and that some food is "sin"... This may work for a while for most of us, but it's simply changing the dynamics that we have with food. Food is fuel. Sometimes it's delicious, makes your mouth water, leaves you with satisfaction and a sense of well-being, but we only need so much per day. I'm not someone who will ever be able to count calories, so I need to find another way to deal with food properly when I'm eating again. For me, I think it's about portion size, so perhaps I need to do something as simple as getting smaller plates! I've already planned to take Lock & Lock containers with me when I go out for a meal! Then I can take half home and have it the next day! Cost-saving to boot! lol
This LL programme has obviously not been without it's problems, but I am so impressed with how it's enabled me to remain so determined to beat the battle of the bulge(s). I still find myself wanting to say to seriously overweight people "Hey, have you heard about LL? It really works!" Not to make them feel fat and in need of help, but to support and motivate them if they want to lose the weight. With my track record, you'll be delighted to hear that I haven't done that yet, although I did talk about it quite loudly when I was on retreat in case the larger ladies felt they needed some help with that.
I saw Philip today, my CBT consultant, and we discussed my weight loss, and various issues connected to that. He could tell straight away that I'd lost quite a bit, which was a real encouragement. I'm seeing him every three weeks at the moment, and I'm seeing Neil (my psychiatrist) once every eight weeks now, which is good progress. Admitting that I'm headed for Psychiatric Outpatients to the porters who take me in my wheelchair -when there's no-one available in the department - still makes me a little uncomfortable with the state of my mental health, and a little embarrassed that I still need help. I always sound a little "out there" when people over-hear and take a step back from this unbalanced woman... sigh... Having said that, it's really good that I recognise I still need to use this service, and that I have good practitioners working with me towards a healthier state of mind.
Now that I'm dealing with my "fat" issues at LL, I've begun talking to Philip about why I seem to sabotage my relationships with others. In particular with men. It's hard accepting that I'm the main reason behind unsuccessful past relationships, and why I'm not with someone now. Today was the start of a reflection on what past "rules" I've been using to remain aloof (lerts are common! boom, boom), or detached from others. Naturally a lot of it is about past hurts, let-downs, or unpleasant experiences. There's stuff in my childhood that affects how I deal with others, and it's about time I dealt with them as an adult rather than a child. So I need to challenge my behaviour and decide how I'm going to change and build better relationships, involving myself more with others, and holding back less. This protecting onesself malarky, which whilst natural, leaves me "feeling" less: less love, less depth of friendship, less human in a sense. It also leaves me feeling more: more frustrated with relationships, more out of touch with my feelings, more isolated and more alone or lonely. I'm tired of that old script and what to adventure back into life with a full heart, ready to give more of myself and receive what others have to give, and yes that will obviously include more hurt I guess, because we're all fallible and people are going to fail us in some way, as we fail ourselves and others too.
Trust God, stay strong and be blessed. xxx
However, I've been on a weekend retreat, visited friends and god-children, gone to the cinema, and of course been to LL for my wi and group counselling session. I'll discuss the retreat in a while. Loved catching up with friends last week, and seeing some of my god-children before they started back at school this week. Heard some great news about my god-daughter in Manchester who has finally managed to change schools because she was bullied at her last one - although they only heard this week that they'd been accepted, talk about the 11th hour! She's only 7 bless her, and school is hard enough for us all isn't it. Please pray that Jess will settle quickly into her new school and find friends aplenty, also that she'll discover enough self-confidence to stand up to children who like to bully. Amen. And "they" say the innocence of childhood!
Jamie, my best friend's son, is going up to "big" school, so please pray for him too. Secondary school is such a shock after primary isn't it. Please pray for him that he has teachers who are able to keep his interest and stimulate his natural curiosity so that he doesn't become bored too quickly and is less likely to go off into his own little world. It would be really good if he could find some like-minded children to befriend and who will keep him motivated to stretch himself. Amen.
Daniel will be 6 at Christmas and is now in Year 1. He's really settled down and has calmed down quite a bit, certainly during my visits. It's been such a pleasure to be with him, to joke with him and discover what a lovely little man he's becoming. Ammi is 4 now and at nursery/playgroup (I never get it right, but fortunately I'm rapidly corrected by her ;) ) and will start school at Christmas which she's already excited about, although her Mum, Clare, is marginally more excited! lol Please pray for this lovely family as Rob's father died a few weeks ago after a lengthy illness, and as those of us know who have lost someone dear to us, the weeks following the funeral and scattering of the ashes are often the hardest. May Rob find the comfort and strength that he needs. Amen.
Now to tonight's w.i. ... 7 lbs!! It's cos I went to the toilet last week and this week! lol That takes me to nearly 5 stones, can you believe it?! Now I'm nearly at the weight I thought I was when I started. I'm going into week 12 now, so potentially I could lose over another half a stone before the end of the 14 weeks foundation course! Pat the LL counsellor we normally have wasn't there tonight, but Tina led the group this time. She's different to Pat, but they're both lovely, and we ended up doing what we normally do which is more chatting (linked to weight loss, struggles and support though - there really are a lovely bunch of women in my group!) than directed discussion. Tina's was very good in linking our thoughts and problems to the programme, and funnily enough, the DVD and LL foundation discussions were very on trend with how our week had gone as a group. Some of us had already been thinking about how we'll cope when we start eating again, and for three of the group, this will be much sooner than the rest as they move straight into management/maintenance (never remember what the programmes are called!). The rest of us (after 14 weeks) move to the middle group where we'll still be food abstinent, taking just the sachets and bars until we reach our target weight. Apparently I've got to get down to less than I realised which is great, but still a looooong way off! lol I'm hoping by the middle of next summer I'll be able to begin eating again. I've already planned with my friend Ellen to go to the Bottle Kiln, West Hallam, Derbyshire http://www.bottlekiln.co.uk/index2.html next July :)
I have found that the times when I've felt kind of hungry or peckish, it's often around the times I would perhaps have had a snack or it's a sign of my being thirsty. So I try to drink more water, which will usually fill the "ache", think about what I would have done in the past, and be glad that I've got such a good mindset to continue with the LL programme rather than indulge myself in a good noshing session. The pay-off is that I know I will be able to eat again next year, and that by staying singled-minded now will mean that i continue to lose the excess weight, stay in control and learn to manage my food addiction (that is what it is after all). Today I raised the question why, from childhood onwards, food is a reward or treat. It raises such expectations within us that food will satisfy our needs, and we equate value, pleasure and just desserts (pardon the pun) with food. Other diet groups may tell you that you can eat what you like of this food group or that, and that some food is "sin"... This may work for a while for most of us, but it's simply changing the dynamics that we have with food. Food is fuel. Sometimes it's delicious, makes your mouth water, leaves you with satisfaction and a sense of well-being, but we only need so much per day. I'm not someone who will ever be able to count calories, so I need to find another way to deal with food properly when I'm eating again. For me, I think it's about portion size, so perhaps I need to do something as simple as getting smaller plates! I've already planned to take Lock & Lock containers with me when I go out for a meal! Then I can take half home and have it the next day! Cost-saving to boot! lol
This LL programme has obviously not been without it's problems, but I am so impressed with how it's enabled me to remain so determined to beat the battle of the bulge(s). I still find myself wanting to say to seriously overweight people "Hey, have you heard about LL? It really works!" Not to make them feel fat and in need of help, but to support and motivate them if they want to lose the weight. With my track record, you'll be delighted to hear that I haven't done that yet, although I did talk about it quite loudly when I was on retreat in case the larger ladies felt they needed some help with that.
I saw Philip today, my CBT consultant, and we discussed my weight loss, and various issues connected to that. He could tell straight away that I'd lost quite a bit, which was a real encouragement. I'm seeing him every three weeks at the moment, and I'm seeing Neil (my psychiatrist) once every eight weeks now, which is good progress. Admitting that I'm headed for Psychiatric Outpatients to the porters who take me in my wheelchair -when there's no-one available in the department - still makes me a little uncomfortable with the state of my mental health, and a little embarrassed that I still need help. I always sound a little "out there" when people over-hear and take a step back from this unbalanced woman... sigh... Having said that, it's really good that I recognise I still need to use this service, and that I have good practitioners working with me towards a healthier state of mind.
Now that I'm dealing with my "fat" issues at LL, I've begun talking to Philip about why I seem to sabotage my relationships with others. In particular with men. It's hard accepting that I'm the main reason behind unsuccessful past relationships, and why I'm not with someone now. Today was the start of a reflection on what past "rules" I've been using to remain aloof (lerts are common! boom, boom), or detached from others. Naturally a lot of it is about past hurts, let-downs, or unpleasant experiences. There's stuff in my childhood that affects how I deal with others, and it's about time I dealt with them as an adult rather than a child. So I need to challenge my behaviour and decide how I'm going to change and build better relationships, involving myself more with others, and holding back less. This protecting onesself malarky, which whilst natural, leaves me "feeling" less: less love, less depth of friendship, less human in a sense. It also leaves me feeling more: more frustrated with relationships, more out of touch with my feelings, more isolated and more alone or lonely. I'm tired of that old script and what to adventure back into life with a full heart, ready to give more of myself and receive what others have to give, and yes that will obviously include more hurt I guess, because we're all fallible and people are going to fail us in some way, as we fail ourselves and others too.
Trust God, stay strong and be blessed. xxx
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Losing lots and repeat retreats
First of all, last Thursday's weigh in (wi) was another good loss of 4lbs. That means I've lost 4 st 1 lb in nine weeks, with which I'm absolutely delighted! I still have five weeks to go until the end of the foundation part of the programme, and LL expect you to lose 3 st within that three month period (women, anyway, men are expected to lose 3 st within nine weeks, so I'm ahead on both fronts).
After Thursday's session, Pat had an emergency text from a lady who'd been unable to get to her LL group, but had run out of foodpacks. As she was on my way home I offered to drop this off for her. There were no street names though, and by the time I'd hoped I had found her home, it was 10.30pm. I felt awful about knocking on her door so late (especially if it turned out not to the wrong place!), but I did so anyway knowing that she'd rather have her foodpacks and not have to resort to food. This was highly likely because of the bank holiday, and the LL offices not opening again until Tuesday. She tentatively answered the door, naturally, and I just showed her the LL bag, and said "LL delivery". Once inside her beautiful home, we chatted and chatted until gone midnight! We were both really tired, but found enough energy to talk each others ears off. What a lovely lady, and although we moved in completely different circles, we had the strong link of faith as Christians. We shared all sorts of meaningful stories: I told her about my three beautiful hearts story, and she shared her God-incidents too. What an encouragement that evening was! I just hope she managed to sleep well and that she was able to achieve all she'd wanted to do the next day. As I left, I had to traipse up a distinctly uneven trail back to the car, so she loaned me her torch with the proviso that I'd bring it back and we could chat again soon :)
I'm shattered now, so I'll let you know in a while about repeat retreats :)
After Thursday's session, Pat had an emergency text from a lady who'd been unable to get to her LL group, but had run out of foodpacks. As she was on my way home I offered to drop this off for her. There were no street names though, and by the time I'd hoped I had found her home, it was 10.30pm. I felt awful about knocking on her door so late (especially if it turned out not to the wrong place!), but I did so anyway knowing that she'd rather have her foodpacks and not have to resort to food. This was highly likely because of the bank holiday, and the LL offices not opening again until Tuesday. She tentatively answered the door, naturally, and I just showed her the LL bag, and said "LL delivery". Once inside her beautiful home, we chatted and chatted until gone midnight! We were both really tired, but found enough energy to talk each others ears off. What a lovely lady, and although we moved in completely different circles, we had the strong link of faith as Christians. We shared all sorts of meaningful stories: I told her about my three beautiful hearts story, and she shared her God-incidents too. What an encouragement that evening was! I just hope she managed to sleep well and that she was able to achieve all she'd wanted to do the next day. As I left, I had to traipse up a distinctly uneven trail back to the car, so she loaned me her torch with the proviso that I'd bring it back and we could chat again soon :)
I'm shattered now, so I'll let you know in a while about repeat retreats :)
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
What a busy week! For me anyways :)
I've had a lovely start to the week, and while I have to be more careful than I have been in the past few days, I'm enjoying catching up with friends and family. Sunday morning I managed to get to church which was really good, especially as I haven't been for several weeks. There were new people there, some of whom were part of a baptismal party, and their baby Emily was such a source of delight - she's a pretty little thing in pink checks and denim. The others were from Australia, where Chris, Donna, PJ and CJ are living. In fact, they only live about 100km from them! Mum said if she'd known that she'd have waited to post the gifts she'd bought for them! That's funny considering how we British generally think it a chore to travel that distance to take anything to anyone, but instead need to make a weekend out of it, or at least an overnight stay. Europeans, Ozzies and Americans must thing we're mad with our grumbling about distances, but it's what we know isn't it. Having said all that, I love being English, oh and British, and aren't we doing fantastically well in the Olympics?! Mum and I watched Christine Ohurogu's fabulous run yesterday - we're in awe, Christine! And what about our own Rebecca Adlington from nearby Mansfield (well, it's all relative!)?! Two golds, and the second one way ahead of the rest of the field. Well done, you star! Go, Team GB! You rock! http://www.olympics.org.uk/teamgb.aspx
Needed to take a tablet for my bowels on Monday (if you're new to this site, or even if you're not, I'm afraid my tummy situation does keep cropping up - soz!). I'm so glad I did because I think this week would have been another bad one if I hadn't. I've started to get dizzy again this week, probably just mucous (I know! Another yucky subject), but my voice started to go yesterday, which always worries me because it generally means I'm run down, doing too much and is the prelude to other horrid viruses. I think that's how all my ill health started: when I started my degree course (if not before) I lost my voice 14 times in my first time alone with laryngitis or pharyngitis. I was constantly on anti-biotics which I later discovered were really bad for one's immune system. So ta da! I now have a poor immune system.
I've been ok for a little while now and so the prospect of not being able to do the things that I'm attempting to do now is frankly scary. However, in light of all this CBT and TA (see lower down for the defs), I am trying to be positive and say, "No, I'm not going downhill like I have every other time. This time I'm going to pace myself, take things steadily, remain calm, and ride it out." Isn't that cool? Now, I just need to keep saying that to myself regularly with more vehemence. Please pray for me, or send me positive thoughts if you're averse to prayer, or simply don't know how to do it.
Things have been so improved for my state of mind over the past couple of months and that makes my life so much easier to bear. I know some of you will have experienced, or know someone who has experienced, the kinds of illnesses that leave you feeling wrecked after little or no exertion, exhausted and low, depressed even, and unhappy. This has been my life for the past 18 years or so. The past seven years have been much worse for me, so the ability to feel like I can drive again has been a real boost for my morale. I've been able to make a few cards for family and friends, even felt like taking up my needles and crochet hook again. My current mental attitude has made me realise just how very important it is to think positively. I've always known that at some level, but now it's more a conscious feature of my daily life, along with my Bible study notes http://www.biblereadingnotes.org.uk, prayer, and regular naps!
I have been doing too much, and I keep trying to push myself at the gym which I know is silly and is part of the reason why I'm physically low and wobbly. Another reason might just be having the car at the moment - I tend to go from nothing to "all out", for me at least. So yesterday and Monday, I was scooting round all over the local area. I must learn the lesson about pacing, not going hell for leather when I am able to do so. Or when I think I can.
I gave a lift to one of my friends on Monday to the Boots site, after discovering that you could test products for them and keep the product you'd tested, or for longer tests, get a little money. That really appeals right now I can tell you! Another thing I discovered is that great minds really do think alike... It was Deb's birthday on Monday and I was taking her present round. I only had to wait in the car a few seconds before they pulled up. The kids got out laughing because they'd just been to mine to drop off their holiday gifts! lol I bought Deb a beautiful silver necklace with aquamarine and tanzanite. It was a great price as I tend to get jewellery from QVC http://www.qvcuk.com (amongst a lot of other stuff like my Liz Earle skin care which really makes a difference to my complexion, although sometimes it's much cheaper to get them directly from her site, certainly it is for postage http://uk.lizearle.com . But QVC do great sets at a very reasonable price).
OK, I'm off for a nap while listening to appropriately Longview "When you sleep"... only when you sleep... Ahh, now it's gentle Goldfrapp "Clowns". Don't even mention the word appropriate!
Needed to take a tablet for my bowels on Monday (if you're new to this site, or even if you're not, I'm afraid my tummy situation does keep cropping up - soz!). I'm so glad I did because I think this week would have been another bad one if I hadn't. I've started to get dizzy again this week, probably just mucous (I know! Another yucky subject), but my voice started to go yesterday, which always worries me because it generally means I'm run down, doing too much and is the prelude to other horrid viruses. I think that's how all my ill health started: when I started my degree course (if not before) I lost my voice 14 times in my first time alone with laryngitis or pharyngitis. I was constantly on anti-biotics which I later discovered were really bad for one's immune system. So ta da! I now have a poor immune system.
I've been ok for a little while now and so the prospect of not being able to do the things that I'm attempting to do now is frankly scary. However, in light of all this CBT and TA (see lower down for the defs), I am trying to be positive and say, "No, I'm not going downhill like I have every other time. This time I'm going to pace myself, take things steadily, remain calm, and ride it out." Isn't that cool? Now, I just need to keep saying that to myself regularly with more vehemence. Please pray for me, or send me positive thoughts if you're averse to prayer, or simply don't know how to do it.
Things have been so improved for my state of mind over the past couple of months and that makes my life so much easier to bear. I know some of you will have experienced, or know someone who has experienced, the kinds of illnesses that leave you feeling wrecked after little or no exertion, exhausted and low, depressed even, and unhappy. This has been my life for the past 18 years or so. The past seven years have been much worse for me, so the ability to feel like I can drive again has been a real boost for my morale. I've been able to make a few cards for family and friends, even felt like taking up my needles and crochet hook again. My current mental attitude has made me realise just how very important it is to think positively. I've always known that at some level, but now it's more a conscious feature of my daily life, along with my Bible study notes http://www.biblereadingnotes.org.uk, prayer, and regular naps!
I have been doing too much, and I keep trying to push myself at the gym which I know is silly and is part of the reason why I'm physically low and wobbly. Another reason might just be having the car at the moment - I tend to go from nothing to "all out", for me at least. So yesterday and Monday, I was scooting round all over the local area. I must learn the lesson about pacing, not going hell for leather when I am able to do so. Or when I think I can.
I gave a lift to one of my friends on Monday to the Boots site, after discovering that you could test products for them and keep the product you'd tested, or for longer tests, get a little money. That really appeals right now I can tell you! Another thing I discovered is that great minds really do think alike... It was Deb's birthday on Monday and I was taking her present round. I only had to wait in the car a few seconds before they pulled up. The kids got out laughing because they'd just been to mine to drop off their holiday gifts! lol I bought Deb a beautiful silver necklace with aquamarine and tanzanite. It was a great price as I tend to get jewellery from QVC http://www.qvcuk.com (amongst a lot of other stuff like my Liz Earle skin care which really makes a difference to my complexion, although sometimes it's much cheaper to get them directly from her site, certainly it is for postage http://uk.lizearle.com . But QVC do great sets at a very reasonable price).
OK, I'm off for a nap while listening to appropriately Longview "When you sleep"... only when you sleep... Ahh, now it's gentle Goldfrapp "Clowns". Don't even mention the word appropriate!
Saturday, 16 August 2008
Goodbye to Bibby, and farewell to another 6 lbs
Sadly Bibby declined quite rapidly from her surgery last week and died in the early morning of Thursday this week. Mum came over today and we buried her in the garden along with all the other 15 hamsters that I have cared for and loved over the past four years. Bibby was very special to me because she was the longest living female that I'd known from birth, and had such a funny little character.
Dum-Dum remains and looks like he's doing well for a hamster of his age. He keeps looking for Bibs and can't understand why he can't even smell her any more. He's older than Bibby, being from Poppy's first litter, which puts him at about 2 years 4 months, which for Dwarf Russian Winter Whites is very old. At the moment he's eating Asda's mexican bean sandwich filler, and baby sweetcorn. He also loves the fact that he has three cages all to himself. I've left the door of his main cage open and he has a way into Rocco's old cage across the table. He's enjoying the wheels in Roc's cages, and the fact that he doesn't have to keep going up and down the tubes to get to his food (Rocco's are all on one level). I think the other reason for the move is that he's unimpressed with the wood shavings I had to put in his old cage, rather than the Aspen bedding which he clearly much prefers. Sadly I've been unable to obtain any since PetMart in Beeston, Nottingham had to close (thanks Tescos!).
Thursday was a peculiar day: there were many tears when I found Bibs, naturally; but at LL I found I'd lost another 6 lbs, which was marvellous. That puts the overall weight loss at 3 st 11 lbs! In just eight weeks! I am feeling much better than I was (you know, the old bowel problems, and stomach pain), which is about time and a great relief, in more ways than one! My energy levels this week have been very low, and my heads been very fuzzy again, but I'm so relieved that I've lost nearly four stones (53 lbs in total)! I did try on a pair of trousers I used to wear a lot before I put on a lot of weight, and they're now really baggy (and not so attractive). How good it feels to get back into clothes - how much better it's going to be when they don't fit properly either :) I've lost 14 1/2 inches since starting the diet too which is fab; measurements are taken from chest, waist and hips.
Dum-Dum remains and looks like he's doing well for a hamster of his age. He keeps looking for Bibs and can't understand why he can't even smell her any more. He's older than Bibby, being from Poppy's first litter, which puts him at about 2 years 4 months, which for Dwarf Russian Winter Whites is very old. At the moment he's eating Asda's mexican bean sandwich filler, and baby sweetcorn. He also loves the fact that he has three cages all to himself. I've left the door of his main cage open and he has a way into Rocco's old cage across the table. He's enjoying the wheels in Roc's cages, and the fact that he doesn't have to keep going up and down the tubes to get to his food (Rocco's are all on one level). I think the other reason for the move is that he's unimpressed with the wood shavings I had to put in his old cage, rather than the Aspen bedding which he clearly much prefers. Sadly I've been unable to obtain any since PetMart in Beeston, Nottingham had to close (thanks Tescos!).
Thursday was a peculiar day: there were many tears when I found Bibs, naturally; but at LL I found I'd lost another 6 lbs, which was marvellous. That puts the overall weight loss at 3 st 11 lbs! In just eight weeks! I am feeling much better than I was (you know, the old bowel problems, and stomach pain), which is about time and a great relief, in more ways than one! My energy levels this week have been very low, and my heads been very fuzzy again, but I'm so relieved that I've lost nearly four stones (53 lbs in total)! I did try on a pair of trousers I used to wear a lot before I put on a lot of weight, and they're now really baggy (and not so attractive). How good it feels to get back into clothes - how much better it's going to be when they don't fit properly either :) I've lost 14 1/2 inches since starting the diet too which is fab; measurements are taken from chest, waist and hips.
When I showed my LL counsellor, Pat, my "wee stick" (this is an indicator of ketosis), she looked a little suspiciously at me. I've worked out why now; I think she's wondering if I've cheated (but I haven't) because the colour was very pale. In the past few weeks I thought that was what I was aiming for, but I guess I was using the colour as a sign to show whether I was drinking enough water or not. Hmmm, I'm wondering what can cause it, and if that's why I've been feeling hungry lately. We did talk about hunger on Thursday, and listed why it might by psychological rather than physical...
- If you have a drink, it goes away
- You have cravings for particular things rather than anything
- You're under particular emotional or psychological stress
- You've been watching those delicious TV adverts (curses, M&S!)
- You're not dealing with other issues, and you're using food as an escape
I've checked all of that tick list times over, but the hunger seems to still be there so I need to find out what might be causing it. I'm so pleased that I've not given in yet, and I hope and pray that I don't. Mentally it's difficult to recover from giving yourself permission to eat once, and it's possibly tantamount to giving yourself free reign to cave in the future. So what issues am I avoiding? There are so many! I find it so difficult to concentrate on something for any length of time because of the ME/CFS, and I find it draining. I have noticed that in the past I would have eaten when I was tired, in an effort to give myself an energy boost, and so I suspect that I'd be troughing right now if I gave myself permission to eat. As I haven't, I'm going to have to deal with things. Bibby's failing health and subsequent death are clearly big issues this week; I have always blamed myself for my hamsters' deaths whether it was old age, health issues or accident. I did so for Bibby, but was able to talk to myself and although I feel myself fighting the attempt to lift guilt and blame from my shoulders, I recognise it as the critical parent (CP, a feature of transactional analysis) - that little (or very loud!) voice in your head that tells you your useless, crap, dangerous, foolish etc.
Ideally we should be able to listen and talk with our adult head, our mature, reasoned and realistic part of ourselves, but we're often over-whelmed by the other voices, for want of a better word: the rebellious child that will revolt at any other suggestions; the adapting child that gives in regardless of what you'd really like to do; and the critical parent, as described above. I'm sure there are others, and none of them mean that you necessarily have schizophrenia, they're just the way that your head sorts through life's dilemmas and choices from past learned patterns of behaviour and mature, rational understanding. I hear the critical parent a lot, and have found that creating a folder of things that God and other people have said, written or created for me that is the opposite to the CP really helps. For instance, when I scored highly at college I kept the assignment in my folder to prove to myself that I'm not stupid and thick; I have cards sent by family and dear friends which show me that I'm not unlovable and actually do have gifts that I use; I made a list of comments others have made about me that show that I'm intelligent, attractive and fun. And sometimes it works to have hard "evidence" to battle the arguments in your head. It makes them quiet for a while, they retreat backwards into your subconscious, which is wonderful. Sometimes I feel a little lonely without all the jabbering, but then I feel stronger inside, better about myself, more in control. It's a good feeling.
This kind of behaviour is really useful for losing weight too; to be able to silence the inner voice that tells you you'll always be fat and ugly is marvellous. As you answer those accusations with "Well look in my weight loss book :P", "See how loose these jeans are now?" and "I can do this", you feel the battle ground changing. The mental challenge is probably the biggest one you face as you change your lifestyle for whatever reason. For me it's losing weight, and as we've discovered at LL, if you tell yourself you are strong, you can be. But if you tell yourself you can't, you'll be unsurprised that ... you can't. Tell yourself you're attractive, you can lose weight, you can stop smoking, whatever it is. Then get yourself into a programme that will help you achieve your goals. For me as a very extrovert person, I need group programmes. I function much better if I can verbally bounce off others. However this week we got our exercise balls (no, not titanium ;) ), so I might be literally bouncing off others if only I can get the wretched thing inflated (you need a foot pump apparently).
I went to Vitality Referral again this week. It costs £1.50 per session which is really helpful in getting me there as money is very tight for me. Chris was able to leave me on some of the activities as I felt more confident on them, and knew what to do (it's only taken seven weeks!). I'd talked to Philip, my Cognitive Behaviour Therapist (CBT), about pacing again. Boy, can I not get it right! So I took that into consideration as I exercised on the treadmill, arm bikey thing (anyone know what it's called??) and the rowing machine. I do struggle with the rowing one most of all. Perhaps because it's the last one I do, or that it uses all my body, I don't know what it is exactly, but it is the hardest for me. It's great that I can sit in my chair for the last two, and that when I'm on the treadmill I can get off and rest in my chair when I need to do so. I did drive to the gym this week, but driving home afterwards was exhausting, and the stairs even more so. Very slow going. But it's better to be having a go and making an effort to improve my health and conditions than to keep sitting and lying down at home.
Monday, 11 August 2008
Car loans, medicals and poorly hamsters
Hope you had a reasonable weekend, because I certainly did (with the exception of terrible stomach pains, but I guess it comes with the territory at the moment). Some of the friends I was talking about in an earlier blog, Clare and Rob, have loaned me their car until the end of October! Isn't that wonderfully kind of them?! It was their youngest child's - Ammi - birthday in the week, but I wasn't able to get over until the weekend to deliver her card and present. She is adorable, and so is Daniel her big brother. They were on fine form and I spent a lovely afternoon with them. We'd just been watching the olympics and they both wanted to show me their version out of the grass, which involved a small child's slide, a space hopper (they were so cool when we were kids, sadly now they burst quite easily) and running from next door's garden through the hedge!
Today was the first time I'd driven their car and I found I enjoyed it as much as driving Mum's at the end of last week. It's difficult to imagine for those of you with healthy bodies and working limbs to understand the importance of a car for someone like myself. It really is quite liberating, because I can't walk far at all with my sticks, and my wheelchair - with me in it obviously - is too heavy for Mum to push, and I can't self-propel (I sound like a pencil). With the car, I have some measure of independence, because until now, Mum has mostly been my chauffeur. She's been absolutely wonderful about it too. I can't thank her enough for what she's done for me, and keeps doing, but to be able to take some of the strain from her weekly outings with me is a real boon. She's ferried me to the doctor's, shopping, LL, the gym, the pet shop, the vets, Beeston - where at least I can take advantage of the marvellous Shopmobility Scheme - and anywhere else that I've needed to go. What a hero!
I must say that in the past I have been really blessed by others a couple of times in the past with regard to cars especially. Some friends of mine from church, Gary and Joan, kindly donated their old car when I was working for the Church Pastoral Aid Society, and what I would have done without Xerxes I just don't know. He was a Ford Cortina Mark IV, and I remember one occasion when I'd had to stop in a lay-by because the engine overheated. I'd gone to someone for help and advice there but locked myself out of the car! Something I haven't repeated since, fortunately! It turns out (as you are probably already aware!) that most Ford keys open Cortina's, so I was back in mine in a jiffy! The good samaritan also got my car sorted so that I could continue my journey.
In fact members of my church and the sister church at Christ Church have been pretty marvellous especially during that period: many of them financially contributing to a very low paid job, for which I had to raise half my own finance. Needless to say because of the generosity of my friends and family, I was able to achieve the sum for my "salary" both my years of working there :) Keith and Lesley (mentioned in earlier dispatches) enabled me to rent a room in their sons' house from them at that time too. Such gifts are difficult to repay, but always deeply appreciated. I don't think I ever thanked all those that helped me enough, but then how do you?
I had my second medical today. LL will only allow you to continue you if you have monthly health checks to ensure that you're able to carry on. Mine was fine, but I think I'm going to keep a note of my pulse on here. Today it was 56. I have been feeling light-headed lately, but put it down to ear, nose & throat stuff due to hayfever. I'm just going to keep an eye on it though.
When I got home after visiting Mum, walking out to see her back garden all in bloom and help pick some soft fruit (which I couldn't eat!), I found Bibby in a bit of a poor state. It looks like her back end is going as it very thin and she's not very steady on her feet. It grieves me to know that she's old and ill, and I just hope and pray that she's not in pain and that God takes her before she suffers much more. Sob.
Today was the first time I'd driven their car and I found I enjoyed it as much as driving Mum's at the end of last week. It's difficult to imagine for those of you with healthy bodies and working limbs to understand the importance of a car for someone like myself. It really is quite liberating, because I can't walk far at all with my sticks, and my wheelchair - with me in it obviously - is too heavy for Mum to push, and I can't self-propel (I sound like a pencil). With the car, I have some measure of independence, because until now, Mum has mostly been my chauffeur. She's been absolutely wonderful about it too. I can't thank her enough for what she's done for me, and keeps doing, but to be able to take some of the strain from her weekly outings with me is a real boon. She's ferried me to the doctor's, shopping, LL, the gym, the pet shop, the vets, Beeston - where at least I can take advantage of the marvellous Shopmobility Scheme - and anywhere else that I've needed to go. What a hero!
I must say that in the past I have been really blessed by others a couple of times in the past with regard to cars especially. Some friends of mine from church, Gary and Joan, kindly donated their old car when I was working for the Church Pastoral Aid Society, and what I would have done without Xerxes I just don't know. He was a Ford Cortina Mark IV, and I remember one occasion when I'd had to stop in a lay-by because the engine overheated. I'd gone to someone for help and advice there but locked myself out of the car! Something I haven't repeated since, fortunately! It turns out (as you are probably already aware!) that most Ford keys open Cortina's, so I was back in mine in a jiffy! The good samaritan also got my car sorted so that I could continue my journey.
In fact members of my church and the sister church at Christ Church have been pretty marvellous especially during that period: many of them financially contributing to a very low paid job, for which I had to raise half my own finance. Needless to say because of the generosity of my friends and family, I was able to achieve the sum for my "salary" both my years of working there :) Keith and Lesley (mentioned in earlier dispatches) enabled me to rent a room in their sons' house from them at that time too. Such gifts are difficult to repay, but always deeply appreciated. I don't think I ever thanked all those that helped me enough, but then how do you?
I had my second medical today. LL will only allow you to continue you if you have monthly health checks to ensure that you're able to carry on. Mine was fine, but I think I'm going to keep a note of my pulse on here. Today it was 56. I have been feeling light-headed lately, but put it down to ear, nose & throat stuff due to hayfever. I'm just going to keep an eye on it though.
When I got home after visiting Mum, walking out to see her back garden all in bloom and help pick some soft fruit (which I couldn't eat!), I found Bibby in a bit of a poor state. It looks like her back end is going as it very thin and she's not very steady on her feet. It grieves me to know that she's old and ill, and I just hope and pray that she's not in pain and that God takes her before she suffers much more. Sob.
Saturday, 9 August 2008
Huffy hamsters and tv cables
Today was a fairly good day. Janet came round today, which was great. She makes me feel comfortable in my own home. She's one of the staff from the care agency who help get me ready for the day. Ellen was my main carer but thanks to networking and prayer, she got a much better job. But it was hard for me to pray for her to get it cos I didn't want her to go! We get on so well, but life goes on, and it looks like Jan's coming early tomorrow so I can go to church. Lately they've been coming at silly hours, like midday. It's not much fun having to wait that long to get ready. I think I'm quite low down on the chain. But it could be worse... I could need them to hoist me out of my bed, and not be able to move at all, which is the case for some of the folks the carers see.
For some unknown reason, Dum-Dum's gone right off me. He doesn't like me to pick him up, he won't come when I call him... Bibby's still a bit wobbly, and still a bit cross. I'm not really as despondent as I sound though. A friend, Jill, came round today and we spent the afternoon chatting and she ended up fixing a lamp, removing the old DVD player and NTL tv box, and setting up the new DVD which was such a help. But why is it that the cables you need are not the ones you have, but the ones you have, you have in abundance?! And why don't Scart leads come with screws like the connections on a computer?? That way you wouldn't need to keep wiggling them to get sound AND picture, or be able to watch your digibox, turn it off and then watch a DVD instead of faff about switching cables?! However, I also managed to get a £4.50 reduction on my Virgin monthly bill :D
Jill is such a fount of knowledge. She knows where you can get free stuff, what community classes are happening when and where, etc. Now she's stopped child-minding we've been able to see quite a bit of each other which has been good. We started off making cards together this summer, but that petered out to chatting :) Neither of us are motivated right now which is a shame, I just can't seem to galvanise myself into action :( I've got knitting projects, crochet, a patchwork quilt for one of best friends' 40th birthday (it was in June!), some art work, and cards to make...
I've got such good friends, three of whom have promised me something at various points through my weight loss, as an added incentive, and as a reward for working so hard at it. Isn't that lovely?! Deb, my best friend, Jan (a different one) and Clare & Rob have made me feel so good about myself for doing something that I really need to do.
I've also lost touch with some good friends too, and would love to hear how they're doing, where they are... I tried Facebook for some of them, but no joy, although I did find my youngest brother, so that's good :)
I got scared about money the other day, as I'm sure many of you have been lately. So I went to the bank to cancel some DDs and SOs, but things look a bit touch and go. I'm hoping and praying that I'll be able to make things for Christmas for my family and friends this year, but I'll have to start soon. Plus I'm hoping to get some advice on how to sell on eBay, and then having the courage and energy to do it. My little home is full to bursting, but I really don't want to part with anything! lol
For some unknown reason, Dum-Dum's gone right off me. He doesn't like me to pick him up, he won't come when I call him... Bibby's still a bit wobbly, and still a bit cross. I'm not really as despondent as I sound though. A friend, Jill, came round today and we spent the afternoon chatting and she ended up fixing a lamp, removing the old DVD player and NTL tv box, and setting up the new DVD which was such a help. But why is it that the cables you need are not the ones you have, but the ones you have, you have in abundance?! And why don't Scart leads come with screws like the connections on a computer?? That way you wouldn't need to keep wiggling them to get sound AND picture, or be able to watch your digibox, turn it off and then watch a DVD instead of faff about switching cables?! However, I also managed to get a £4.50 reduction on my Virgin monthly bill :D
Jill is such a fount of knowledge. She knows where you can get free stuff, what community classes are happening when and where, etc. Now she's stopped child-minding we've been able to see quite a bit of each other which has been good. We started off making cards together this summer, but that petered out to chatting :) Neither of us are motivated right now which is a shame, I just can't seem to galvanise myself into action :( I've got knitting projects, crochet, a patchwork quilt for one of best friends' 40th birthday (it was in June!), some art work, and cards to make...
I've got such good friends, three of whom have promised me something at various points through my weight loss, as an added incentive, and as a reward for working so hard at it. Isn't that lovely?! Deb, my best friend, Jan (a different one) and Clare & Rob have made me feel so good about myself for doing something that I really need to do.
I've also lost touch with some good friends too, and would love to hear how they're doing, where they are... I tried Facebook for some of them, but no joy, although I did find my youngest brother, so that's good :)
I got scared about money the other day, as I'm sure many of you have been lately. So I went to the bank to cancel some DDs and SOs, but things look a bit touch and go. I'm hoping and praying that I'll be able to make things for Christmas for my family and friends this year, but I'll have to start soon. Plus I'm hoping to get some advice on how to sell on eBay, and then having the courage and energy to do it. My little home is full to bursting, but I really don't want to part with anything! lol
Friday, 8 August 2008
Gym and healing hamsters
I woke up this morning dreading going into the living room in case I should find Bibby's body. I didn't dare look until after lunch-time, at which point it turned out it was her lunch-time too! She gave me a bit of a nip as I put my hand by her door for her to come out if she wanted, but just as a gentle pay-back for having put her through the indignity of yesterday (remember, they do hold grudges). She was also thoroughly miffed that there were no tasty treats for her today, so she grumpily resigned herself to eating from the hamster food bowl. Clearly she was storing up for some time judging by her face pouches. She's just stopped snubbing me, but I still clearly have some way to go before I'm forgiven.
I also managed to get to the gym today, and outdid last time's performances on the treadmill, this arm-bikey thing, and the rowing machine. I'm still only talking an absolute maximum of five minutes, with rests, but for me that's a huge improvement. However, I do feel like I'm under the sword of Damacles, and any moment now my health will fail again and I'll be straight back to square one, just like all the other times. I know, I know, that's a defeatest attitude, but it's incredibly difficult to live with this debilitating illness and to live with hope. Having hope sometimes is as crushing as living without it.
But my big news is that I've been to the toilet properly! The first time in nearly five weeks! I can totally understand why St Francis of Assisi wrote a toilet prayer! I went round to visit with friends Lesley and Keith and told them my news, told Mum as soon as she came round to take me to the gym, AND Chris, the gym instructor! It must seem absolutely bonkers telling people about my bowel habits, but it's been such an awful experience, that it was a true delight to start to feel normal again!
I did feel really peckish today, maybe it's symptomatic of how the week's gone, but I could have eaten something today. But I didn't! So how's that for willpower? I made a lovely strawberry shake for supper, then spoilt it completely by putting in the orange flavouring, also from LL, instead of the fibosure :( Hopefully that'll be the last time. Still, I had two bars today and thoroughly enjoyed them. I only have two flavours (can't stand the others - blech!) peanut - which really tastes of them! - and cranberry, which is very sweet, but by far the best two of the five/six of them. I only really have two shakes as well now - banana and strawberry. I know the weather's still up and down, but I can't face the soups just yet though they are tasty, well two of them are: thai chilli and mushroom. Still they're working and I generally find them satisfying, just having an odd few days here and there lately.
Hope you're well, content and living in grace :) GBU x
I also managed to get to the gym today, and outdid last time's performances on the treadmill, this arm-bikey thing, and the rowing machine. I'm still only talking an absolute maximum of five minutes, with rests, but for me that's a huge improvement. However, I do feel like I'm under the sword of Damacles, and any moment now my health will fail again and I'll be straight back to square one, just like all the other times. I know, I know, that's a defeatest attitude, but it's incredibly difficult to live with this debilitating illness and to live with hope. Having hope sometimes is as crushing as living without it.
But my big news is that I've been to the toilet properly! The first time in nearly five weeks! I can totally understand why St Francis of Assisi wrote a toilet prayer! I went round to visit with friends Lesley and Keith and told them my news, told Mum as soon as she came round to take me to the gym, AND Chris, the gym instructor! It must seem absolutely bonkers telling people about my bowel habits, but it's been such an awful experience, that it was a true delight to start to feel normal again!
I did feel really peckish today, maybe it's symptomatic of how the week's gone, but I could have eaten something today. But I didn't! So how's that for willpower? I made a lovely strawberry shake for supper, then spoilt it completely by putting in the orange flavouring, also from LL, instead of the fibosure :( Hopefully that'll be the last time. Still, I had two bars today and thoroughly enjoyed them. I only have two flavours (can't stand the others - blech!) peanut - which really tastes of them! - and cranberry, which is very sweet, but by far the best two of the five/six of them. I only really have two shakes as well now - banana and strawberry. I know the weather's still up and down, but I can't face the soups just yet though they are tasty, well two of them are: thai chilli and mushroom. Still they're working and I generally find them satisfying, just having an odd few days here and there lately.
Hope you're well, content and living in grace :) GBU x
Thursday, 7 August 2008
The weigh in and driving again
Only lost 1 lb tonight, but it's still off, not on, and I did lose 7 lbs last week. Plus I haven't been to the toilet yet - part of the constipation saga I reckon. It was great to be driving again. I'd forgotten how much I used to enjoy driving in the evenings in summer... I fit in the car with plenty of space around me, and felt quite at home back in the driver's seat again :)
There was a select group of us tonight, and I really enjoyed spending time with them, as I do with the ones who couldn't make it tonight (they will have to pay for the session though). I talked about how I'd found this week quite tough in terms of food, and the others encouraged me and gave me strength to trudge through the cravings.
The sessions are confidential, so I'll only be discussing items that are personal to me, not the others. Some of the issues I've been tackling were raised: how being overweight can either cause or be the effect of poor self-esteem; and how as we lose weight, we'll have to change how we joke about ourselves in social gatherings. Other points I've been considering are how I use food to "occupy" myself while my mind is avoiding issues with which I have to deal at that time. For instance, this afternoon with Bibby, in the past I would have resorted to food for comfort, or distraction. Instead, I was able to jot down how I'd felt about it here, pour myself a glass of water, drink it, and then go to rest after I'd got it out of my mind. Maybe journal-keeping is a way forward for me; an opportunity to debrief, or simply to get things off my chest. I hope it works, and I hope it's of interest to folks out there. I must confess I'm a little concerned in case I get comments from oddballs, but I am able to vet them before they're posted so that's a comfort.
There was a select group of us tonight, and I really enjoyed spending time with them, as I do with the ones who couldn't make it tonight (they will have to pay for the session though). I talked about how I'd found this week quite tough in terms of food, and the others encouraged me and gave me strength to trudge through the cravings.
The sessions are confidential, so I'll only be discussing items that are personal to me, not the others. Some of the issues I've been tackling were raised: how being overweight can either cause or be the effect of poor self-esteem; and how as we lose weight, we'll have to change how we joke about ourselves in social gatherings. Other points I've been considering are how I use food to "occupy" myself while my mind is avoiding issues with which I have to deal at that time. For instance, this afternoon with Bibby, in the past I would have resorted to food for comfort, or distraction. Instead, I was able to jot down how I'd felt about it here, pour myself a glass of water, drink it, and then go to rest after I'd got it out of my mind. Maybe journal-keeping is a way forward for me; an opportunity to debrief, or simply to get things off my chest. I hope it works, and I hope it's of interest to folks out there. I must confess I'm a little concerned in case I get comments from oddballs, but I am able to vet them before they're posted so that's a comfort.
Best laid plans...
... of hamsters and women? Bibby came walking back to me this morning very gingerly. When I picked her up I noticed something hanging from her back end. I cried as I rang the PDSA who were shut, then had to look for a vets phone number, knowing that I'd have to pay considerably more than the donation asked for by the people's vets. I found one who could see her straight away, and fortunately because Mum had left me her car for the day (and wasn't that a blessing!), I was able to rush her over there. I know she's only a hamster, but I've raised her from birth and she's such a special little girl, so for those of you who find such behaviour soppy I make no apology. When a person or creature comes into my orbit and I allow it into my heart, they find I have a very big heart, which is soft and squishy (and nothing to do with the sick sinus syndrome I have). If they hurt, it hurts me too. As it is with Bibby and Dums.
The lovely young vet, Kath, thought it was a prolapse of her womb, and was fairly confident it could be returned to it's proper place. I did advise her that Bibbs was likely to bite (and she does have VERY sharp teeth), and true to form, even while scruffing her, Bibby bit her and drew blood. Needless to say, Kath put her down p.d.q.! She had to take her to anaesthetise her and assess the situation. Turns out it was a prolapsed rectum (I know! Doesn't that sound horrible! Poor Bibbs) and she was able to replace it. Kath did warn that it might happen again if Bibby had to strain again - bless her!
So she's off all her usual food, and back onto the dry stuff, so she's going to be pleasant to live with. She does love her food, like me. Although I must admit I'm not tremendously keen on moth caterpillars :$ (is there any way to get emoticons on these bloggy things?) Fortunately both Bibby and Dum-Dum are, although not in great abundance. I have a moth problem in my home. Now that I can keep the windows open though, they are diminishing somewhat. If you have any ideas for moth repellants which work I'd love to hear from you. Cedar balls don't help.
That reminds of something funny that happened with part of my "Vitalite"... Mum dropped me off at the gym a couple of weeks ago, and Chris comes out to help get the wheelchair out of the car, and pushes me into the gym. I noticed his necklace type thing and thought it might be a microphone of some description for when he's leading aerobics classes. So I asked him what it was. "They're titanium balls" he replied, to which Mum said "Oh! I have a titanium hip!" lol
Here's a happy thing that happened today... The last time I had to drive Mum's car, I was really uncomfortable because I was so fat that the seatbelt barely fitted, and I could hardly move. Today, however, I had plenty of room! :D In addition, to which the journey there was easy and I felt like I'd been driving for ages, when in reality I've not driven for a couple of years now. I do miss my car, but I can't afford it, and the journey back reminded me of why I had to stop driving because of the M.E. :( But all in all, the days been a successful one so far.
Bibby's now resting in her little box, and I hope and pray all goes well with her and she manages to retain her rectum (words you'd never think to hear yourself say), and copes with the old dry hamster food. I'm exhausted after the rushing and high emotions of the past couple of hours, so I need to have a rest too before this evening. Be blessed x
The lovely young vet, Kath, thought it was a prolapse of her womb, and was fairly confident it could be returned to it's proper place. I did advise her that Bibbs was likely to bite (and she does have VERY sharp teeth), and true to form, even while scruffing her, Bibby bit her and drew blood. Needless to say, Kath put her down p.d.q.! She had to take her to anaesthetise her and assess the situation. Turns out it was a prolapsed rectum (I know! Doesn't that sound horrible! Poor Bibbs) and she was able to replace it. Kath did warn that it might happen again if Bibby had to strain again - bless her!
So she's off all her usual food, and back onto the dry stuff, so she's going to be pleasant to live with. She does love her food, like me. Although I must admit I'm not tremendously keen on moth caterpillars :$ (is there any way to get emoticons on these bloggy things?) Fortunately both Bibby and Dum-Dum are, although not in great abundance. I have a moth problem in my home. Now that I can keep the windows open though, they are diminishing somewhat. If you have any ideas for moth repellants which work I'd love to hear from you. Cedar balls don't help.
That reminds of something funny that happened with part of my "Vitalite"... Mum dropped me off at the gym a couple of weeks ago, and Chris comes out to help get the wheelchair out of the car, and pushes me into the gym. I noticed his necklace type thing and thought it might be a microphone of some description for when he's leading aerobics classes. So I asked him what it was. "They're titanium balls" he replied, to which Mum said "Oh! I have a titanium hip!" lol
Here's a happy thing that happened today... The last time I had to drive Mum's car, I was really uncomfortable because I was so fat that the seatbelt barely fitted, and I could hardly move. Today, however, I had plenty of room! :D In addition, to which the journey there was easy and I felt like I'd been driving for ages, when in reality I've not driven for a couple of years now. I do miss my car, but I can't afford it, and the journey back reminded me of why I had to stop driving because of the M.E. :( But all in all, the days been a successful one so far.
Bibby's now resting in her little box, and I hope and pray all goes well with her and she manages to retain her rectum (words you'd never think to hear yourself say), and copes with the old dry hamster food. I'm exhausted after the rushing and high emotions of the past couple of hours, so I need to have a rest too before this evening. Be blessed x
Like much in my life, the photos are a bit random!
Okay, I know they're a bit random, but I love the pictures of my nephews. The one with Wyatt, Conor, Jake and Sophie was taken of my older nephews a couple of years ago and boy! have they grown since then. Conor is probably verging on 6' and Wyatt not far behind. Jake's just going up to secondary school, so he'll be catching them up soon enough. However his father isn't nearly as tall as Chris (my youngest brother), Wyatt and Conor's dad. The photo of P.J. (Peter James - named after Donna's dad and our dad respectively) is my youngest nephew, and he's such a cute boy. He's just turned four, and is a bit more of a handful for his mum and dad due to the recent arrival of C.J. (Charlotte Jasmine). Here's hoping she can hold her own with her big brother, I think she'll need to! lol
The beautiful photos on the slideshow are those taken by other members of the blogging community. I'm going to see if I can load my mini video of the hamsters, but don't hold your breath! lol
I'm going to post another blog tonight with the results of my wi. There's no reason why I shouldn't have lost more weight, what with only taking in 500 cals/ day, but you never know...
The beautiful photos on the slideshow are those taken by other members of the blogging community. I'm going to see if I can load my mini video of the hamsters, but don't hold your breath! lol
I'm going to post another blog tonight with the results of my wi. There's no reason why I shouldn't have lost more weight, what with only taking in 500 cals/ day, but you never know...
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
Just when I get started...
Hopefully this post will make it to my blog! I'm not too sure if I'm doing the right things regarding blogging or not, so bear with me, and any advice would be helpful.
Ok, the hamsters are looking good today and tucking into quiche and apple which seems to be going down well :) Bibby's off for her nightly explore of the flat, and Dum-Dum's settled down for the time being in his home. It's more than likely he'll spend some time in Rocco's old cage cos he prefers the wheels in there - they make more noise and he can thunder round them!
I went to the hospital today to check in with one of my consultants and that was ok. I'm still on the anti-d's, but they're helping keep me together so I'm happy to carry on with them. I did have to wait an hour and a half for transport to take me home though, so I've got a numb bum. Had a nap, then Mum dropped her car off for me to use tomorrow which was really kind of her.
Hopefully I'll be able to get to see one of my goddaughter's tomorrow. It was her birthday this week and she's four now - can't believe how quickly the time goes. She's adorable and her name is Naomi, but her big brother, Daniel (one of my godson's) who is now five, couldn't pronounce it and called her Ammi which has stuck. It turns out it's biblical too :) It means "my people".
I've felt like I could really tuck into something to eat today, I'm not sure if it was just the result of some tempting adverts (and not for chocolate which some may consider odd, but for bread and butter!) or the smell of a roast dinner at the hospital in the cafe near the entrance... Difficult, especially as I've chosen quiche for the hammies this week, sigh.
Tomorrow is also LL night, so I'll be watching what I drink in the afternoon. The programme suggests at least four litres of water a day, although the remit was changed after that poor woman died the other week because of over-drinking water, and other complications. Anyway I've found that if you don't drink for the three hours prior to the weigh-in (wi) you have an accurate idea of your weight loss.
I've been looking for some of the links I'd like to post here, such as the hunger site, where every click on the website gives 1.1 cup of food to someone starving in the developing world. I'm still not entirely sure how - probably due to advertising - but it's all good. So click on the link and stop starvation from killing one poor soul :) http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=1
Ok, the hamsters are looking good today and tucking into quiche and apple which seems to be going down well :) Bibby's off for her nightly explore of the flat, and Dum-Dum's settled down for the time being in his home. It's more than likely he'll spend some time in Rocco's old cage cos he prefers the wheels in there - they make more noise and he can thunder round them!
I went to the hospital today to check in with one of my consultants and that was ok. I'm still on the anti-d's, but they're helping keep me together so I'm happy to carry on with them. I did have to wait an hour and a half for transport to take me home though, so I've got a numb bum. Had a nap, then Mum dropped her car off for me to use tomorrow which was really kind of her.
Hopefully I'll be able to get to see one of my goddaughter's tomorrow. It was her birthday this week and she's four now - can't believe how quickly the time goes. She's adorable and her name is Naomi, but her big brother, Daniel (one of my godson's) who is now five, couldn't pronounce it and called her Ammi which has stuck. It turns out it's biblical too :) It means "my people".
I've felt like I could really tuck into something to eat today, I'm not sure if it was just the result of some tempting adverts (and not for chocolate which some may consider odd, but for bread and butter!) or the smell of a roast dinner at the hospital in the cafe near the entrance... Difficult, especially as I've chosen quiche for the hammies this week, sigh.
Tomorrow is also LL night, so I'll be watching what I drink in the afternoon. The programme suggests at least four litres of water a day, although the remit was changed after that poor woman died the other week because of over-drinking water, and other complications. Anyway I've found that if you don't drink for the three hours prior to the weigh-in (wi) you have an accurate idea of your weight loss.
I've been looking for some of the links I'd like to post here, such as the hunger site, where every click on the website gives 1.1 cup of food to someone starving in the developing world. I'm still not entirely sure how - probably due to advertising - but it's all good. So click on the link and stop starvation from killing one poor soul :) http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=1
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
"Vitalite", hamsters, ME/CFS, family & friends
Hi, the photo of me with short hair & a feather in my hair was taken on my 30th so I have changed considerably since then, but I love it! There is a more recent one here, and I'll post others with their relevant stories. This one was taken when I started internet dating! It worked too, although I'm not dating at the moment, so I'm still looking.
I'm in the process of losing weight, and so far I've lost 3st 4lbs, which I think is over 20kg! All in 6 weeks! I'll keep you posted on my progress...
I did start a blog about my hamsters, but I'm useless at keeping a diary, so sorry if you were expecting more entries. As I said, I have raised 17 hamsters, but just have two at the moment - Dum-Dum (male) and Bibby (female). They're adorable and have such funny characters. They're both over two which is quite an achievement because they only normally live for 18 months to two years. They have an ... unusual diet of ready oats & soya milk, one of Asda's rather posh sandwich spreads, and yoghurt, as well as the usual dry hamster food. I had to start feeding them with soft foods because Dum-Dum doesn't have any top teeth, and lost a lot of weight cos he couldn't eat. Bibby can and eats most things, so she's a bit tubby. I think it's also her particular variety of winter white though, as Marjorie and Max, who were the same colouringas Bibby, were also similar in size.
I'm in the process of losing weight, and so far I've lost 3st 4lbs, which I think is over 20kg! All in 6 weeks! I'll keep you posted on my progress...
I did start a blog about my hamsters, but I'm useless at keeping a diary, so sorry if you were expecting more entries. As I said, I have raised 17 hamsters, but just have two at the moment - Dum-Dum (male) and Bibby (female). They're adorable and have such funny characters. They're both over two which is quite an achievement because they only normally live for 18 months to two years. They have an ... unusual diet of ready oats & soya milk, one of Asda's rather posh sandwich spreads, and yoghurt, as well as the usual dry hamster food. I had to start feeding them with soft foods because Dum-Dum doesn't have any top teeth, and lost a lot of weight cos he couldn't eat. Bibby can and eats most things, so she's a bit tubby. I think it's also her particular variety of winter white though, as Marjorie and Max, who were the same colouringas Bibby, were also similar in size.
Dum-Dum (who's twin Dee-Dee sadly died young) is a lovely male, and likes "cuddles" and spending time with me. He'd also prefer to spend more time with Bibby naturally ;), but she's not always so keen and has very sharp teeth and is not afraid to use them. Hamsters do have long memories though... Bib's had obviously bitten Dum-Dum quite hard the previous time they'd found each other in my home, because as soon as he saw her last week, he bit her very hard on her back, then ran off and hid! She was furious, chattering away and bristling with rage. Evidently Dums had found a very good hiding place, which was a very good move. Normally, Bibby is a beautiful little female, and loves cuddles too. She's also an escape artist, and at the moment, considering her size, I cannot work out how she gets out of her cage without opening the door! Little Madam!
When they've had enough running around, or want feeding and watering, they find me and climb on my foot, or if they're by the side of my bed, they wait for my hand to appear and then join me on the bed for a little while. They love chicken bones, curry, baby sweetcorn, ready porridge & caterpillars. Unfortunately this summer I've had a lot of moths in my home and therefore there's been a ready supply of moth caterpillars. If anyone knows how to get rid of them, I'd love to hear from you! I know my hamsters don't have long left, which grieves me, but is inevitable. I'd like a bigger furry pet next time - in fact I'd love a dog, but I can't walk it, so it probably wouldn't be fair, I also don't have a gate on my garden (again if anyone can help, please drop me a line) - one that will live longer and that I can keep in my home.
For me, it demands so much energy to pick up the phone, to email at length, or to see people, I do find conversations exhausting, so I'm hoping I will be able to at least find time and energy to write on my blog more regularly. This time, I'm going to try very hard to keep you up to date (famous last words!).
The last couple of weeks, actually since starting Lighter Life (LL) a diet programme http://www.lighterlife.com/, I haven't been in the best of health. I keep waiting for the energy to kick in - then I remember, I've got M.E. (myalgic encephamyelitis) http://www.afme.org.uk/, sometimes known as C.F.S. (chronic fatigue syndrome) http://www.nice.org.uk/Guidance/CG53. The condition continues to fluctuate, but some times I am able to do the things I used to enjoy, like going to church or the cinema, or out to a friend's house. I'm hoping that "Vitalite" will help my recovery :)
For me, it demands so much energy to pick up the phone, to email at length, or to see people, I do find conversations exhausting, so I'm hoping I will be able to at least find time and energy to write on my blog more regularly. This time, I'm going to try very hard to keep you up to date (famous last words!).
The last couple of weeks, actually since starting Lighter Life (LL) a diet programme http://www.lighterlife.com/, I haven't been in the best of health. I keep waiting for the energy to kick in - then I remember, I've got M.E. (myalgic encephamyelitis) http://www.afme.org.uk/, sometimes known as C.F.S. (chronic fatigue syndrome) http://www.nice.org.uk/Guidance/CG53. The condition continues to fluctuate, but some times I am able to do the things I used to enjoy, like going to church or the cinema, or out to a friend's house. I'm hoping that "Vitalite" will help my recovery :)
As far as the diet is concerned, I feel like I'm in the swing of it now, and it's not so difficult to stick to it. Up to now, I haven't eaten anything other than I should, which is a real achievement believe me! I could stumble at any time, but I'm really determined not to do so, and as we've learnt in our group counselling sessions on Thursday evenings, state of mind is a powerful thing. I do have horrid, realistic dreams where I've just eaten something and I'm just in denial - scary!
My stomach however, isn't dealing with the huge change to my diet. My daily intake now is only 500 calories - which is evidently adequate for my needs and certainly shifting my body fat because of the ketones my liver has to produce to give me the 2,ooo cals (3,500 cals = 1lb of fat) I need a day - but I think I have a blockage, and I certainly don't seem to have enough fibre. I have been taking dihyrocodeine for some years now as part of my pain management, but they can cause constipation, which is something I have experienced in the extreme lately. I have started taking fibosure which is better than fibogel in my opinion, as it doesn't have any flavour and isn't loaded with sugars of any sort. I've even been thinking of having a colonic irrigation which is something I've previously thought of as a horrendous procedure!
If you're interested in the diet, then it pays to know that there are some things like the constipation to watch out for and take measures against it if necessary. On the whole, I've found it really helpful. Obviously the huge weight loss is a real incentive, but there's a lovely group of women on my programme and we've really bonded. It's so encouraging to know the feelings you've had around food are shared experiences isn't it. So there's the group support, the LL counsellor and her team who are both encouraging and very supportive too, the two-hour group counselling sessions, the foodpacks, exercise DVD & equipment, and the weekly DVD which is where we get to see others who have successfully reached their target weight, and maintained it. My inspiration has been Erica; her fat photo looks like me - even Mum thought it was a trick question when I asked her who she thought it was! - and now she's stunning and slim, not just thinner... SLIM! I'm sure she's on the LL website, so check it out and be inspired.
The programme treats those of us with food issues/weight problems similarly to those who have addictions, which I've found tremendously helpful. The purpose is to be abstinent from food (obviously the food packs contain all the vitamins, nutrients and calories you need to live), for 100 days, 14 weeks, initially. LL claims that you will lose at least 3 stones within that time if you stick to the programme (Tick! done that :) ). The cost is significant at £66 per week, and more than I can financially afford what with all my bills rising horrendously, as no doubt yours have too. However, I need to do this now. Physically and seriously, I cannot afford to wait (weight, get it?! lol) any longer.
In addition to LL, I've been referred by my GP to something called Vitality Referral http://www.broxtowe.gov.uk/index.aspx?articleid=2369. Mum gets a bit muddled and calls it all "Vitalite"! lol On Fridays, I go to Chilwell Olympia and have a session with the instructor - a lovely man called Chris, who's just had shingles, bless him, in spite of which, he still managed to complete an endurance cycling race in the mountains of Italy! Anyway, week on week I'm improving, although I have to admit, my base level is very low! lol I take my wheels and Chris is able to remove the seat part on some of the apparatus so that I can do them in my chair, which is great :) I have regular rests and drink a couple of litres of water! I might look a bogger, but if I take my glasses off I can't see, so it turns out all right in the end.
Oh! In addition to all that news, this year is one of new arrivals too! My niece, Charlotte Jasmine, was born in May :D She's beautiful, although we've only been able to see photos cos she lives with my youngest brother, Chris, and his young family in Oz. Also Chris' oldest son, Wyatt, who lives here in Nottingham with his mother and two brothers, (the middle one, Conor, is also Chris' son) is expecting his first child - and the scans show it is a boy - in September, just as he's hoping to enter the army at 17! Conor's also considering the forces for his future and has plans for the RAF. He's doing really well at school and was in the top 5% of the UK in his SATs - very cool! We do wonder if Jake, their younger brother, is intending to sign up to the Navy for a hat-trick! P.J. (Peter James), who lives in Oz with his Mum (Donna) and Dad (Chris), is only 4, so there's plenty of time yet for him to decide what he wants to do.
The programme treats those of us with food issues/weight problems similarly to those who have addictions, which I've found tremendously helpful. The purpose is to be abstinent from food (obviously the food packs contain all the vitamins, nutrients and calories you need to live), for 100 days, 14 weeks, initially. LL claims that you will lose at least 3 stones within that time if you stick to the programme (Tick! done that :) ). The cost is significant at £66 per week, and more than I can financially afford what with all my bills rising horrendously, as no doubt yours have too. However, I need to do this now. Physically and seriously, I cannot afford to wait (weight, get it?! lol) any longer.
In addition to LL, I've been referred by my GP to something called Vitality Referral http://www.broxtowe.gov.uk/index.aspx?articleid=2369. Mum gets a bit muddled and calls it all "Vitalite"! lol On Fridays, I go to Chilwell Olympia and have a session with the instructor - a lovely man called Chris, who's just had shingles, bless him, in spite of which, he still managed to complete an endurance cycling race in the mountains of Italy! Anyway, week on week I'm improving, although I have to admit, my base level is very low! lol I take my wheels and Chris is able to remove the seat part on some of the apparatus so that I can do them in my chair, which is great :) I have regular rests and drink a couple of litres of water! I might look a bogger, but if I take my glasses off I can't see, so it turns out all right in the end.
Oh! In addition to all that news, this year is one of new arrivals too! My niece, Charlotte Jasmine, was born in May :D She's beautiful, although we've only been able to see photos cos she lives with my youngest brother, Chris, and his young family in Oz. Also Chris' oldest son, Wyatt, who lives here in Nottingham with his mother and two brothers, (the middle one, Conor, is also Chris' son) is expecting his first child - and the scans show it is a boy - in September, just as he's hoping to enter the army at 17! Conor's also considering the forces for his future and has plans for the RAF. He's doing really well at school and was in the top 5% of the UK in his SATs - very cool! We do wonder if Jake, their younger brother, is intending to sign up to the Navy for a hat-trick! P.J. (Peter James), who lives in Oz with his Mum (Donna) and Dad (Chris), is only 4, so there's plenty of time yet for him to decide what he wants to do.
Life is quite full for me at the moment, what with starting new things, gaining new friends and family members, my Bible study group, church, cinema, and starting up new church prayer events at St Barnabas' http://www.stbarnabasinhamnook.co.uk/, I have enough to do to keep me occupied and away from food (I'm hoping that's what will happen ;) ).
God bless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
